Miscarriage puts you and your relationship in a weird place. One of grief and uncertainty. As to where an unplanned pregnancy might be terribly stressful the strain is not the same. I have joined two websites over the year. One about pregnancy and one about miscarriage.
I have noticed something odd, but not unsupported by studies on the matter. Miscarriage results more in divorce and breakups than a live baby. Maybe not right away. But it seems to be the normal outcome. As to where the women with live children are constantly being proposed to and renewing vows and so on. The women on the miscarriage forum rarely talk about their significant others. I used to think this was because they felt alone in their grief. But as I went on through these terrible experiences, I realized. I also do not discuss my significant other. On either forum. Or really to anyone. ESPECIALLY about everything thats happened. I don't feel selfish. Its more out of guilt. I don't have the right to discuss him after what I have lost.
Today on the pregnancy forum girls were being proposed too.
All I could think is. "I hope he doesn't ask me to marry him. Please... don't let him be planning that." Why? Because I would probably say no. Not because I don't love him. I do. So much.
But because where do I draw the line? When is enough enough? Two dead babies? Three?
If we stay together, and I lose more of his children, wont he resent me? Doesn't he already even though he denies it? How can he not? How ridiculous. Of course he does.
So what are we doing? Me and the love of my life? What is this relationship we have? I don't want to marry him... because that would be terrible for him. How on earth could I let something like that happen? If I love him. Of the billions of women I sit in this little percent, its not that I can't have children. I just can't carry them long enough to live. There are so many others who can do it for him. He's not young. He does not have the time to sit here and waste with me.
So why would I burden him so?
I have a plan, of course, but I need more time for it. There are things I want to do for him. Debt I need to pay, renovations I want to do. But I get selfish some days. Where I don't want to leave him. Where I'm not strong enough and I just want to stay here with him. So weak, which makes me feel even worse.
So is that the reason? Do other women who have been through what I have been through feel the same way? Does the idea of the men we love with a happy family with someone else seem so wonderful? Is that why miscarriage results in a 40% increase in relationships ending? Usually a year and a half later? What a weird statistic. You are 40% more likely to divorce or break up but not for a 18 months. Is it time? Do other women have plans like I do, that take time? Curious for sure.
You wouldn't keep playing with a toy that was broken and sharp, causing you pain. When you can afford to, you get a new one. Is this logic irrational? Too basic? I do not talk to him about this, I actually don't talk to anyone about it. There are by far much darker thoughts in my brain that are all associated with this eventual event, that I'm concerned will result in too much meddling.
But what can I say? I have said I'm sorry. I know he hates to hear me say it. But I honestly don't know what else to say.
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