I Am Selfish...

I have had a rough couple of days. I am really irritated. I am 17 weeks pregnant. This is crunch time. The next weeks are crucial. After next week it will be uncharted territory. I am not asking for a bunch of help. I am only asking that if you call me, then tell me you will be here in an hour and then I never hear from you again going on 5 days, just don't call me. Also I have had some pretty painful days my significant other has worked every day off, gone early and stayed late. Last night I thought for sure the cramping would be it. He got pretty frustrated with me. He wouldn't have even known if he didn't have to go to work at midnight to set an alarm. Then he has to go to work early. I just feel pretty alone. A big part of me is hurt. I thought for sure during these days and weeks that my friends and family would step in to help me. Even if its just support. I was totally mistaken. My significant other said to me last night "If its going to happen its going to happen." He's right. It does not make a difference if he helps me stand when the pain is too great or listen to me cry. If I lose the baby none of those things will make a difference. Its his right too. If I seem like I might lose it, who am I to expect help with it. I just feel alone. Well as alone as a pregnant woman can. Its just hard.

On another note the baby is a boy and doing really good. Poor kid doesn't know that his mom is not good at being one. Hopefully all the pain and cramping isn't hurting him at all.

Update.

I am 14 weeks according to my doctor. 15 weeks according to the baby. I had some hemorrhaging yesterday and spent last night in the ER. I hate all of this. I don't know what to do. I brought up to both of my doctors at both of my appointments the idea of a progesterone shot to help with an irritable uterus and preterm labor. They both shot me down. I went over all of the signs I have all of the cramping, the pressure on my bladder. Nope nothing. My perinatologists words were. "We already know whats wrong with you. That is for people we don't know whats wrong with them." They refuse to monitor me closer over these next crucial weeks. I am at a loss. Even with the bleeding and cramping yesterday still nothing. In fact they just wont even deal with me now. They just keep telling me to call the other one. "I don't want to step on his toes." They are so busy trying to not step on each others toes that they are not talking to me about these issues. The ER doctor was so irritated that she told me to get new doctors.

Then my mom. My mom is a weird person. When I had Lily, I was at home with a temperature of 103 infections, preprom, and labor and she wanted me to stay home. We knew we had to go to the hospital. But she felt that if I lost the baby it would be my fault for going to the hospital, that I should wait it out until her water refilled. We went anyway, her water had not refilled and I had to be in the hospital for days due to infection. She's also convinced my bladder is not emptying enough and that is then causing cramping which eventually causes my miscarriages. This is not true. But she wont drop it. She came to the ER last night at my request and would not drop it. At one point I was thinking about getting a catheter to see if it would help with the cramping because I kept feeling like I had to pee. Pressure from the cramping causes this not the other way around. I asked my DH what he thought about it and if I should get one. HE said no at first because it causes infection. UTI's for me make everything so much worse and he's right. My mom flipped out. That I need to make decisions for myself, and I can't let other people decide for me. Blah blah blah. She left after that. Which was not only stressful but also she was my ride home since DH had to go to work. I ended up having to take a cab.

I called her today to tell her I was home and everything was fine. She freaked out on me again. "You have to live with the decisions you make." And just overall implying that if I lose this baby too then it will be my fault. I DO NOT need people telling me it will be my fault. I eventually had to hang up on her because she wont drop it. Well I said "I'm going to go now." and hung up.

I guess I just feel alone. I am stuck in bed. My doctors wont listen to me. My family makes it worse. I know it stresses out my DH because hes the only one who is here to help me deal with all of this stuff. It's a lot to ask of him. I'm just scared, sad, and stressed out.

But on the plus side I get to hire  a cleaning lady to clean my house!