Preterm Labor...

Listen, to all of the women on all of the forums out there. I understand your doctors. Cramping is normal, discharge is normal and so on. Let me tell you as someone who has suffered preterm labor and lost babies and someone who has suffered preterm labor and had a sucessful pregnancy. 1 in 8 babies are born premature. Yes 1 in 8. So I want you to think about your doctor who dismisses your concerns, Then same healthcare professional pushes all sorts of tests. Tests that check for things with probabilities that are one in thousands.

Preterm labor symptoms and pregnancy discomforts are similar. But to brush it off when the ods are so high is ridiculous.By the time its so bad they will listen its usually too late even for steroids to help little babies lungs. So you need to speak up. If your doctor wont listen then go to the er. demand testing, monitoring. Beleive me, your insurance would rather pay for your hospital bedrest then a baby in the nicu. So some test they can do.

Placenta Monitoring: Measure the effectiveness and health of the placenta
Fetalfibronectin: Test discharge to see if there is a chemical presents that can be an indicator of preterm labor.
Cervical ultrasound: check the length and integrity of the cervix.

If all else fails and you still feel that something is not right ask for a bedrest order. Bedrest saved my sons life.

gdiaper Review

gDiapers are a cloth diaper with cloth insert options or disposable insert options. Now I am not in any way much of a hippie but my Husbands skin is so very sensitive that I did not even want to mess with disposable. Not to mention we live up three flights of stairs the idea of walking diapers down all those stairs seemed to be worse than one extra load of laundry a day. I purchased gdiapers because it seemed to be the most reasonable with the most options.  I purchased first their newborn diapers. They are supposed to fit a baby from 6 to 10 lbs. I got 12 of them with some bundle. But they did not fit Quintin when he was born at 7lb 11oz. They were too small and cut off circulation from his legs so much that they would turn purple.  So we went to the smalls. They fit great for 4 weeks before he grew out of them. They were supposed to last from 8lbs to 14lbs. They only lasted us until 11lbs. Which worried me. I consulted my doctor. Maybe my son was not proportioned correctly. He said he was a big baby but just as long as he was chubby and normal. So we went to mediums again fit great for 2 more months. Again they fit babies 14lbs to 28lbs, but my son is only 18lbs and they no longer fit him. This time I contacted the company. I had purchased 12 newborns which never fit, 10 smalls which lasted less than a month and 10 mediums that lasted less than two months.  $480 in diapers that only lasted three months was ridiculous to me and so far out of their range that I felt they should at least give me a discount on the next size up.  I contacted them and got no help. They just kept saying my baby was a big baby and the sizes are just guidelines. Which I understand but when a size spans 14lbs and stops fitting after 4lbs or never fits at all I think that even a different shaped baby would get farther than that and the company should address it. In the end they did not help me at all and just kept relaying their return policy to me. Which ment they could not help me. Such a bummer they work great when they fit but only fit for a few weeks. So in the end if I could go back I would not chose Gdiapers. I would spent the extra cash to get on that has mor adjustment options, better customer service and more realistic size spans.

That being said.

Though I have felt such great milestones in this pregnancy and feel better about going forward I cannot help but feel really depressed these last few days. Logan's birthday is coming up and I am in bed. All day I think about it right now. I'm glad for the time I have alone (Which seems to be a lot latley) but also sad to be alone when I am so upset. I feel like a burden having to be on bedrest and then so much more of  a  burden expecting comfort for something that would not have happened if not for me. How do I get this guilt to calm down? I have all day in bed to bounce back and forth between fear for this pregnancy, grief about the children I have lost, guilt about everything that has happened and is happening, happiness to be pregnant now, and feelings of inadequecy and uselessness. Throw in the hormones and my god. How do I survive this? If this little boy makes it will I even be able to take care of him? Will all of this reflection destroy me? When people do visit me or come by to help I feel relieved to have a distraction but then some days they say they will come but don't.  My DH says he will be home but doesn't show for hours. Am I unbearable to be around? I can't be mad. I don't blame them I am hard for me to be around I cannot imagine what it is like for them. I feel like I made a mistake getting pregnant with this baby. That my intentions were purley selfish and to put my family and this baby through this is beyond terrible of me.

I am!

The most pregnant I have ever been. Its so scary and exciting. The baby is doing good and we are almost 19 weeks.

I Am Selfish...

I have had a rough couple of days. I am really irritated. I am 17 weeks pregnant. This is crunch time. The next weeks are crucial. After next week it will be uncharted territory. I am not asking for a bunch of help. I am only asking that if you call me, then tell me you will be here in an hour and then I never hear from you again going on 5 days, just don't call me. Also I have had some pretty painful days my significant other has worked every day off, gone early and stayed late. Last night I thought for sure the cramping would be it. He got pretty frustrated with me. He wouldn't have even known if he didn't have to go to work at midnight to set an alarm. Then he has to go to work early. I just feel pretty alone. A big part of me is hurt. I thought for sure during these days and weeks that my friends and family would step in to help me. Even if its just support. I was totally mistaken. My significant other said to me last night "If its going to happen its going to happen." He's right. It does not make a difference if he helps me stand when the pain is too great or listen to me cry. If I lose the baby none of those things will make a difference. Its his right too. If I seem like I might lose it, who am I to expect help with it. I just feel alone. Well as alone as a pregnant woman can. Its just hard.

On another note the baby is a boy and doing really good. Poor kid doesn't know that his mom is not good at being one. Hopefully all the pain and cramping isn't hurting him at all.

Update.

I am 14 weeks according to my doctor. 15 weeks according to the baby. I had some hemorrhaging yesterday and spent last night in the ER. I hate all of this. I don't know what to do. I brought up to both of my doctors at both of my appointments the idea of a progesterone shot to help with an irritable uterus and preterm labor. They both shot me down. I went over all of the signs I have all of the cramping, the pressure on my bladder. Nope nothing. My perinatologists words were. "We already know whats wrong with you. That is for people we don't know whats wrong with them." They refuse to monitor me closer over these next crucial weeks. I am at a loss. Even with the bleeding and cramping yesterday still nothing. In fact they just wont even deal with me now. They just keep telling me to call the other one. "I don't want to step on his toes." They are so busy trying to not step on each others toes that they are not talking to me about these issues. The ER doctor was so irritated that she told me to get new doctors.

Then my mom. My mom is a weird person. When I had Lily, I was at home with a temperature of 103 infections, preprom, and labor and she wanted me to stay home. We knew we had to go to the hospital. But she felt that if I lost the baby it would be my fault for going to the hospital, that I should wait it out until her water refilled. We went anyway, her water had not refilled and I had to be in the hospital for days due to infection. She's also convinced my bladder is not emptying enough and that is then causing cramping which eventually causes my miscarriages. This is not true. But she wont drop it. She came to the ER last night at my request and would not drop it. At one point I was thinking about getting a catheter to see if it would help with the cramping because I kept feeling like I had to pee. Pressure from the cramping causes this not the other way around. I asked my DH what he thought about it and if I should get one. HE said no at first because it causes infection. UTI's for me make everything so much worse and he's right. My mom flipped out. That I need to make decisions for myself, and I can't let other people decide for me. Blah blah blah. She left after that. Which was not only stressful but also she was my ride home since DH had to go to work. I ended up having to take a cab.

I called her today to tell her I was home and everything was fine. She freaked out on me again. "You have to live with the decisions you make." And just overall implying that if I lose this baby too then it will be my fault. I DO NOT need people telling me it will be my fault. I eventually had to hang up on her because she wont drop it. Well I said "I'm going to go now." and hung up.

I guess I just feel alone. I am stuck in bed. My doctors wont listen to me. My family makes it worse. I know it stresses out my DH because hes the only one who is here to help me deal with all of this stuff. It's a lot to ask of him. I'm just scared, sad, and stressed out.

But on the plus side I get to hire  a cleaning lady to clean my house!

Doctors appointment today.

It went really well to a point.  My doctor is hard headed. He does not understand that this is not my first go around. His solutions were well redundant. Checking my cervix every other week though nice did not help me at all last time. He stated that if there is growth restriction then he will watch the placenta but I don't have an issue with growth restriction. Something just happens at that time. So all in all though the baby was healthy and so freaking cute I didn't feel very reassured. I just really hope my meds are helping so much, and that will be enough. But enough about depressing doctors. Its time for baby!!!

I just love it so much already. Please baby. Lets get through this. I promise I will love you so much. We will play so much. I will love on you all the time. Your dad will sing you made up songs all the time, and feed you all the things he loves. We will hang out so much. I am a really nice lady. I cook really good. I just love you so freaking much!

Logan Rush

You are harder for me to write about. For a lot of reasons. Three months is not a long time, and I still find myself a mess remembering everything thats happened. Its all so intense. Just how similar everything occurred. I have never told anyone but some days I feel little kicks. Little reminders that someone is missing. Like popcorn. Just once maybe twice. Just like the last week when you were still with me.

When we found out we were pregnant with you it was like a dream. I was on birth control! Everyone said. "Sometimes theres nothing you can do, babies will do what they want."

I have never been so afraid. But everyone assured me. 3 ob's, 2 specialists, midwives, ER doctors, the chances of what happened with your sister happening again were not high. Well fine. If doctors all said I was fine then fine.

But everything was painfully similar. The first trimester bleeding. The cramping at 13 weeks. I was not going to sit by and let it happen again. So I went to the ER, twice. They did all the tests in the world and you were fine. My cervix was closed. Your water levels were beautiful. Your heart rate development everything picture perfect.
I still was not convinced. I changed Ob's because one wouldn't listen to me. The new one ran tests! Every week I went back to make sure my cervix was closed and you were fine. We must have had 8 ultrasounds of you. Wigglin and being cute.

Finally I sucked it up. I got past 17 weeks. I got past when I lost your sister. We all breathed a sigh of relief. The doctors changed my visits to every two weeks. We told your Grandma and Grandpa. They were so excited!

That weekend we went there. I could not pee. No matter how much water I drank. It was painful. But when I had brought it up to our doctor she said that was normal... Now that I look back its not. Your sisters water broke when I was trying to pee.

That week I had cramping, but I always had cramping and I was fine. We were fine. Everyone said so! So when we started driving to go up north and the cramping got worse I was not prepared. In fact I told you dad not to go to the ER because it might go away like it always does. But it didn't. It didn't even feel like contractions. The back pain was constant. There was no letup or give. When we finally got to the ER I called the doctor.

"I have to pee." I told her. "But I'm afraid my water will break." She told me that I needed to void my bladder. I told her that if I did my water was going to break. She told me that it was not going to happen and that I was just scaring myself.

The weirdest part was the day and time. Thursday at noon, its always Thursday at noon. I went pee before checking into the er and that sound. The all too familiar pop and gush. My water broke again.

I came out and your dad knew. He asked me "Please no..."

But i couldn't do anything for him or for you. I already knew.

You were much more into the idea of being born than your sister. Instead of 30 hours it was only 9. The nurse tried to console me. "Sometimes people just bleed, its probably not your water..." Mid sentence she stopped when the amniotic fluid test turned the color she didn't want to see.

"ohh." she said.

You were more oblivious than your sister. 150 heart rate. I was bleeding, I didn't bleed with your sister. And i was dialated to four. When they finally got some one to come and check me your feet were already dangling out of my cervix.

There you were. No water, blood flowing around you, half born. And had no idea. You were not distressed in the least. I'd like to say I joke about you being silly like me. But I can't yet. I cannot joke yet.

They took me into labor and deliver. And by 9:45 pm you were born. About the same time as your sister too. You were bigger. A whole ounce. I had to push. It sounds weird to have to push for a 6oz baby. I guess it shows just how not ready my cervix was.

Well. I was much more prepared for you than I thought. I knew how everything was going to happen. This time it was just me and your dad. your aunt showed up later, thank god. I told the nurses what I wanted and what to do. If i was going to lose you then they would do it the way we wanted. I would get all of the little things I didn't get with your sister.

I wanted hand prints, I wanted your clothes to be green not blue, I wanted the little stuffed animals they took your pictures with, I wanted your pictures, I wanted to chose where I sent you to be cremated... But more so I wanted you. I wanted this to not be happening. I was so ready for this not to happen. The doctors had all told me over and over again ti was not going to happen. So then why?

Now you were perfect. A week makes a big difference. A whole ounce bigger than your sister. You had big flat feet, and a wide nose. You kept pointing, even in the little hand cast they made you are pointing. It gave me and your aunt a giggle. Your tongue was sticking out, silly boy.

You looked so much like your dad. It was hard for me. To see those features on a baby, another one we wouldn't get to take home. Who was silent. You had his eyebrows, and floppy ears, his feet and nose.

Something about you was so sweet. We had seen you so many times on the ultrasound. So many little wiggles. So many little joys, and it was all gone.

The other part that hit me that night was that it was me. No one loses two babies that late and not have something wrong with them. You were both so healthy, it had to be me.

We held you for hours. I miss you, so much. I think about you all day all night. I dream about you. As your due date approaches I cannot help but feel such guilt that if you had another mother. You would still be warm and growing. Sorry little guy. I couldn't do it for you either.

Lily Joy

Oh where to begin. I am not sure. I feel like I could go on for hours. Discussing your chubby cheeks and little feet. I feel as if sometimes this is all a dream and that a 5 month old will wake me up hungry and cranky. That I will shrug off all of the crazy dreams I had about losing a beautiful little girl. That me and you will go about our day. Shopping, cleaning and cooking. Playing and tummy time all included, that you will giggle and your dad will too. That the two of you will play until you both fall asleep on the couch. That you will pull my hair and his glasses. 

But I don't wake up, because thats not what happened. The dream is true. I did lose you. That on January 6, 2010 my water did break. At that there was nothing anyone could do for you. That no matter who I saw or talked to. The midwife, the doctor, the other doctor, the emergency room doctors, the ob doctors. That there was nothing to be done.

The worst part for me was how healthy you were. It wasn't at the time. At the time I could not have been more proud. There you were, no water, infection, labor, but your heartbeat just kept on going like nothing was wrong. Sometimes on my better days I joke that you were oblivious to your surroundings. Something you defiantly get from me silly girl.

But it was not meant to be. I begged them to not give me en epidural. I just wanted to go through it with you. They did give me some weird drugs. Made me pretty loopy. But now that I look back it was probably better to be loopy. It was painful like they said it would be. "Worse than normal labor because your body is not ready." Is what they said. I believe it.

I was in labor with you for over 30 hours. From when my water broke to when you were born. The first doctor wanted me to go get a D & E. That infection would set in if I didn't, that the chances of your amniotic fluid refilling was so rare that it was not worth the risk.

But, we couldn't. We opted to wait the 24 hours. I should have gone to the ER. I should have not listened. I should have not gone home. We sat at home and said we loved you over and over again. Hoping you would hear us and begging that your water would fill back up.

But again it was not to be. By the next day at the ultrasound there was no water. Amniotic fluid refreshes around every four hours. I had not been leaking, but nope there was still none. It was heartbreaking to see you on the ultrasound. Trying to move without water, your heart beating happily, but probably a little confused. By then I had an infection. I had no idea what to do. They sent me to the ER. I sat there for 9 hours. Contractions and back pain. Oh yeah... I had a lot of back pain. Eventually they took me to labor and delivery. I'm not sure about how I feel about this practice. Though I understand their want to acknowledge me as a mother in labor. Listening to other babies cry when you didn't was hard to cope with also.

On your records it says you were not alive when you were born. But you were, only for a few seconds, less than a minute.

I remembered what your dad said to me when he handed you to me. "She might move." Warning me, to not be startled. You didn't though.  Before you were born nurses came in and urged us to hold you.

Before they brought me up to labor and delivery the woman gave me a choice of a D & E or labor so we could see you. Of course we wanted to see you. 

I'm not going to lie, you were perfect. So perfect I was shocked. I had no idea babies were so developed at 17 weeks. That your cheeks would be a little chubby. That your little toes would have their fingernails. That your nose would look so much like mine, your feet so tiny. Its funny at the time I Thought your feet were so tiny because you were born so early. It wasn't until after I had your brother that I realized they were small because mine were small. (He has your dads huge feet.)

Granted your skin was pretty transparent still. That I'm sure when i describe you to people that they imagine this miniature pink baby. But some women know better. Though I have not met one yet. There has to be women out there like me who have held a perfect little baby thats red, who's eyes are still sealed shut. Who's ears are so thin.

It was such a  weird experience. Your aunt and grandma came. They held you and loved all of you like we did. We should all be happy. I had a baby. Its supposed to be happy. But it wasn't. I told them about how strong you were. And we all talked about how perfect and beautiful you were. We held you and passed you around. But it was wrong, all wrong. It was too early, we were not prepared, and neither were you. I'm still sorry for that. As mad as it makes every one at me. I'm sorry I'm your mom, and the more I find out the more sorry I am. Thanks for gracing me with you presence even if it was only for 17 weeks. I never thought you could love someone that much. I feel overwhelmed by it. There's grief, and sadness, and guilt, the only reason these things don't crush me. The only reason I somehow get through the days. Is that how can these feelings overwhelm me, when loving you so much already has.

I miss you every single day.