That being said.

Though I have felt such great milestones in this pregnancy and feel better about going forward I cannot help but feel really depressed these last few days. Logan's birthday is coming up and I am in bed. All day I think about it right now. I'm glad for the time I have alone (Which seems to be a lot latley) but also sad to be alone when I am so upset. I feel like a burden having to be on bedrest and then so much more of  a  burden expecting comfort for something that would not have happened if not for me. How do I get this guilt to calm down? I have all day in bed to bounce back and forth between fear for this pregnancy, grief about the children I have lost, guilt about everything that has happened and is happening, happiness to be pregnant now, and feelings of inadequecy and uselessness. Throw in the hormones and my god. How do I survive this? If this little boy makes it will I even be able to take care of him? Will all of this reflection destroy me? When people do visit me or come by to help I feel relieved to have a distraction but then some days they say they will come but don't.  My DH says he will be home but doesn't show for hours. Am I unbearable to be around? I can't be mad. I don't blame them I am hard for me to be around I cannot imagine what it is like for them. I feel like I made a mistake getting pregnant with this baby. That my intentions were purley selfish and to put my family and this baby through this is beyond terrible of me.

Baby Update

Doctor gave me leave until my due date!!! I am so happy. I very much in detail discussed with him my fears about preterm labor. He wont do anything unless my perinatologist says to do so. My perinatologist thinks I do not need precautions for preterm labor. I think I do. I know I am a crazy pregnant lady. But come on. I have had preterm labor. Why not just listen to me instead of fighting me all of the time. If it happens then what will you say? Oops? This isn't a car. Its a baby.

I Am Selfish...

I have had a rough couple of days. I am really irritated. I am 17 weeks pregnant. This is crunch time. The next weeks are crucial. After next week it will be uncharted territory. I am not asking for a bunch of help. I am only asking that if you call me, then tell me you will be here in an hour and then I never hear from you again going on 5 days, just don't call me. Also I have had some pretty painful days my significant other has worked every day off, gone early and stayed late. Last night I thought for sure the cramping would be it. He got pretty frustrated with me. He wouldn't have even known if he didn't have to go to work at midnight to set an alarm. Then he has to go to work early. I just feel pretty alone. A big part of me is hurt. I thought for sure during these days and weeks that my friends and family would step in to help me. Even if its just support. I was totally mistaken. My significant other said to me last night "If its going to happen its going to happen." He's right. It does not make a difference if he helps me stand when the pain is too great or listen to me cry. If I lose the baby none of those things will make a difference. Its his right too. If I seem like I might lose it, who am I to expect help with it. I just feel alone. Well as alone as a pregnant woman can. Its just hard.

On another note the baby is a boy and doing really good. Poor kid doesn't know that his mom is not good at being one. Hopefully all the pain and cramping isn't hurting him at all.

Baby Update.

Everything is good. The baby measured the right size. Blood flow to the placenta was good. Everything was perfect.

I know this is going to be weird. I might just be having a bad night. I love that everything is fine. I just feel that all of the previous times everything has been fine as well. I don't have placenta abruption, or clots that are visible. I don't have intrauterin growth restriction. All of my babies were born at a proper weight and size for their development. They were alive during delivery. I guess I just don't feel reassured that this pregnancy will be fine. Because it seeming fine is normal. I am in the second trimester now and right on cue the cramping is starting. I know to some degree its normal but come on. I asked my doctor about progesterone injections. He told me that if I had a psychological issue that makes me think I am having too much cramping then maybe he will put me on progesterone. Yep that's what happens, I imagine cramping, then I imagine my water breaking and then bam I lose the baby. Stupid psychosis that makes me imagine this stuff. I hate doctors. But you all already knew that. All 4 of you who have ready my posts.