I have a lot of brothers and sisters. I come from a big family. I remember my mom saying that I should be so glad I have sisters because they will be such a great help for me when I am an adult.
My youngest sister and me do not talk. Its not really her fault, we had an argument about whether or not I would make a good parent. Which I feel is none of her business and her lecture (She was 17 at the time) about how abortion was my best bet (Even though she lived with me, and I paid all of her bills) about how I needed to do this and this when I was not even pregnant was beyond annoying. So when I got pregnant and rehashed this fear she had of me screwing up my kids I was beyond livid. Her mom was a coke whore and I could understand why she felt some people should not have children. But I do not do anything close and took care of her when her parents couldn't. So when I lost the baby needless to say we have not spoken since.
My other sister is a great person. Terrible selfish and doesn't think before she talks but is sweet. She has been to the hospital with me numerous times. But after the second baby it became obvious just how much of a toll this whole thing was taking on her. Which I can understand. But it makes the weirdest things come out of her mouth. Today she pretty much told me that my negative thinking was going to doom this pregnancy. Which also insinuated that might have been an issue with the previous ones. Needless to say we do not agree and I am beyond annoyed. Believe me. I don't need people coming up with new ways that all of this could be my fault. I already walk a fine line here and do not need assistance whether from her or hormones as to the guilt I feel in this whole situation. So much for sisterly assistance.
I also have another issue directed at casual acquaintances. Why do you think telling me about your great grandma losing a baby is some how relevant to my situation. That's like me knowing what having twins is like because Angelina Jolie has twins. Your random relative going though something you think is similar does not help me to relate to you, especially when you have never met them. Your mom losing babies before you were born does not make me feel like me and you are in the same boat. Don't come to me with stories of your friends aunt. If you want to talk about what happened to me we can talk about it. But don't act like you know what I have been through unless you have been through it. I understand if it was your sister or your best friend then maybe we can relate a bit better. But your great aunt twice removed having a heavy period does not make you and me on the same page. We are not even reading the same book.
Also, if you have had bleeding while pregnant... then still delivered a healthy baby. You did not lose the babies twin. I have lost clots the size of my fist and knew it was not another baby. Especially at 13 weeks. Now twins can vanish. But if you never heard another heart beat, never saw it on an ultrasound, and had one day where you lost a little clot the size of a quarter, when you have a serious history of precancer in your cervix. I almost guarantee one million percent that clot did not carry a baby the size of a lime.
Wow.. glad I got that out. Sorry if this offends anyone.
Saturday, May 14, 2011
Friday, May 13, 2011
Pregnancies Side by Side
Do you see the crazy part???? I lost both babies on the exact same day according to my LMP. When I first saw that I couldn't believe it.
On A Better Note
My bleeding has stopped entirely. This is huge for me as the worst is usually about now. I have no cramping and also over feel that this pregnancy is going a much different direction than my previous two. We are on day two of no bleeding.
I have been on lovenox once a day, (Still bled) progesterone twice a day (Still bled)
Then against my doctors annoying wishes. Modified bed rest, and pelvic rest and.... the bleeding has stopped. I cannot express how much relief this gives me. I have an ultrasound on Monday and an appointment. For the first time this pregnancy I am very much enjoying it and cannot wait to see that little baby on the screen. I love it so much already.
On a side note. It has been years since I sewed anything. But ( was thinking about making little baby outfits for babies as small as mine were. Ones that I can send to the hospital maybe that tie in the back to accommodate size differences. I just look back at my pictures and wish the clothes had been more of an outfit and less of a sock you put them in. I mean they might never use them, but if it made one woman's experience a shred better, it would be worth it to me. I am going to look into it.
I have been on lovenox once a day, (Still bled) progesterone twice a day (Still bled)
Then against my doctors annoying wishes. Modified bed rest, and pelvic rest and.... the bleeding has stopped. I cannot express how much relief this gives me. I have an ultrasound on Monday and an appointment. For the first time this pregnancy I am very much enjoying it and cannot wait to see that little baby on the screen. I love it so much already.
On a side note. It has been years since I sewed anything. But ( was thinking about making little baby outfits for babies as small as mine were. Ones that I can send to the hospital maybe that tie in the back to accommodate size differences. I just look back at my pictures and wish the clothes had been more of an outfit and less of a sock you put them in. I mean they might never use them, but if it made one woman's experience a shred better, it would be worth it to me. I am going to look into it.
I have realized
That maybe I am better off just talking to myself. I get too involved in websites, then I feel too betrayed when things are handled badly. It might be the pregnancy. Hell it might be the extra (hold on...*Runs to check bottle) 400mgs of progesterone I am ingesting daily. But man do I get worked up easy.
I don't feel personally attacked, but I do hate watching other people be treated unfairly. Why can't anyone just run a website that treats users equally. That weeds out the blatant liars, and redirects bad mojo. Instead of secretly going around and deleting, modifying and down right offending just a few people, whom they are obviously picking on. Who were very valid in their concern and response.
::Sigh::
Then of course I come back to the. "Why don't I just make my own site." This has worked in the past. But the realization that I am just one of a few who hate thins kind of (Yes Ren I will quote you now, because your word is the best.) Wank. That few people join me in my utopia. Then I go to work, lose babies, or have some massive life changing relocation that demands my attention and then I lose touch with these websites that I pay for, manage and overall feel like a pet I am neglecting. I don't have the attention span to mod and admin a site regularly. Nor do I have a partner in crime who will pick up my slack. So in the end. I just need to stop joining websites.
This desperate search for another woman who knows what I have been through, or someone to relate has led me to wonderful people but also people who bug me so much I sit up at night wondering how they can lie about something like that. The I get yelled at for moving around too much in my sleep and waking the bear.
You know whats always my undoing? Not just this recent site. But all of them (Only two events but I am hormonal and dramatic.) The lieing about pregnancy, and miscarriage.
Just to let all of you know IT IS NEVER, UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCE, ok for someone to lie about losing a baby. Period. It is so a terrible, soul crushing, life destroying thing. That lying about it makes even the devil hate you. I will, if we ever meet, you both know who the worst of you are, punch you in the mother effing face... Twice.
Why? Because you have taken something so terrible for me, lied, received sympathy and support from women like me and been full of shit. You have taken a life altering event that sits with me everyday, and made it into a cheap game you play online for kicks. I hate you. Sorry. I just do. I'm so mad at the people who don't feel this offense is serious or understand just how much it irks me.
That's when I realize, no one really gets me. (Que hormone induced teenage angst.) You all sit here by me. Thinking that you understand. But you don't.
Maybe I am crazy, maybe its the pickle I just ate. I don't know. But i feel better now. So much so, that I don't care that the I above is not capitalized.
I don't feel personally attacked, but I do hate watching other people be treated unfairly. Why can't anyone just run a website that treats users equally. That weeds out the blatant liars, and redirects bad mojo. Instead of secretly going around and deleting, modifying and down right offending just a few people, whom they are obviously picking on. Who were very valid in their concern and response.
::Sigh::
Then of course I come back to the. "Why don't I just make my own site." This has worked in the past. But the realization that I am just one of a few who hate thins kind of (Yes Ren I will quote you now, because your word is the best.) Wank. That few people join me in my utopia. Then I go to work, lose babies, or have some massive life changing relocation that demands my attention and then I lose touch with these websites that I pay for, manage and overall feel like a pet I am neglecting. I don't have the attention span to mod and admin a site regularly. Nor do I have a partner in crime who will pick up my slack. So in the end. I just need to stop joining websites.
This desperate search for another woman who knows what I have been through, or someone to relate has led me to wonderful people but also people who bug me so much I sit up at night wondering how they can lie about something like that. The I get yelled at for moving around too much in my sleep and waking the bear.
You know whats always my undoing? Not just this recent site. But all of them (Only two events but I am hormonal and dramatic.) The lieing about pregnancy, and miscarriage.
Just to let all of you know IT IS NEVER, UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCE, ok for someone to lie about losing a baby. Period. It is so a terrible, soul crushing, life destroying thing. That lying about it makes even the devil hate you. I will, if we ever meet, you both know who the worst of you are, punch you in the mother effing face... Twice.
Why? Because you have taken something so terrible for me, lied, received sympathy and support from women like me and been full of shit. You have taken a life altering event that sits with me everyday, and made it into a cheap game you play online for kicks. I hate you. Sorry. I just do. I'm so mad at the people who don't feel this offense is serious or understand just how much it irks me.
That's when I realize, no one really gets me. (Que hormone induced teenage angst.) You all sit here by me. Thinking that you understand. But you don't.
Maybe I am crazy, maybe its the pickle I just ate. I don't know. But i feel better now. So much so, that I don't care that the I above is not capitalized.
Saturday, April 30, 2011
New Baby
So far (I am only 6.5 weeks) I have had a massive hemorage, constant bleeding or spotting, and low progesterone.
But there is still a baby in there. I have seen it five times and it is barely the size of a pea. I am so relieved.
I started taking lovenox aswell.
So this is my list.
1 baby aspirin
1 lovenox shot
2 progesterone pills
2 tums
1 prenatal vitamin
1 dha suppliment
Throw that in with some morning sickness and I pretty much battle it all day. I am so excited and so scared. This baby has already scared me to death and its not even the size of a sugar cube.
I thought I would feel more guilt over trying for another baby. That somehow I would be letting my babies down. But it has not been that bad. I miss them and they more give me strenght. Maybe because of how much I love my siblings. I just love the idea of being able to tell this baby about them. Assuming this pregnancy works out. It has been rough for sure already. They say that with my condition I will only make it to 35 weeks. Thats fine with me. So I only have 29 more to go.
Wish me luck and I will keep you updated.
But there is still a baby in there. I have seen it five times and it is barely the size of a pea. I am so relieved.
I started taking lovenox aswell.
So this is my list.
1 baby aspirin
1 lovenox shot
2 progesterone pills
2 tums
1 prenatal vitamin
1 dha suppliment
Throw that in with some morning sickness and I pretty much battle it all day. I am so excited and so scared. This baby has already scared me to death and its not even the size of a sugar cube.
I thought I would feel more guilt over trying for another baby. That somehow I would be letting my babies down. But it has not been that bad. I miss them and they more give me strenght. Maybe because of how much I love my siblings. I just love the idea of being able to tell this baby about them. Assuming this pregnancy works out. It has been rough for sure already. They say that with my condition I will only make it to 35 weeks. Thats fine with me. So I only have 29 more to go.
Wish me luck and I will keep you updated.
Saturday, April 16, 2011
Stress
We took a few days off this week (YAY) but it definitely reminded me of why I don't want to go back to that place. I have recently been getting bribed I think. For what, I do not know. But the past week has been full of Blair fun things. We went to the Science Center, A Japanese tea house. I got to have my family over multiple times for loud delicious meals. I have been given video games, journals, a picture frame. But why? What is his plan? Its probably the obvious and him just trying to counteract my work stress which has consumed my soul at a faster rate than normal.
I began daydreaming about what I would rather do than be a slave for corporate retail. I tried being a nurse, but I could not handle the doctors. Now that I am elbows deep in more negative doctor experience I'm pretty sure that will never happen. Maybe I would like to be a teacher. Like kindergarten or high school history. It would have to be kindergarten, my grammar is terrible. Maybe I would like to write somehow for a living. I love to cook but hate working in restaurants. Maybe I will write a cookbook.
There are so many out there. Maybe I will write a funny cookbook. That is silly and full of things that are amazing. Recipes are so boring to read. How would you make it funny though?
I began daydreaming about what I would rather do than be a slave for corporate retail. I tried being a nurse, but I could not handle the doctors. Now that I am elbows deep in more negative doctor experience I'm pretty sure that will never happen. Maybe I would like to be a teacher. Like kindergarten or high school history. It would have to be kindergarten, my grammar is terrible. Maybe I would like to write somehow for a living. I love to cook but hate working in restaurants. Maybe I will write a cookbook.
There are so many out there. Maybe I will write a funny cookbook. That is silly and full of things that are amazing. Recipes are so boring to read. How would you make it funny though?
2 eggs (Without the shells)
1Tbs of ground black pepper (Don't be lazy it’s much better if you grind it yourself)
1 cup of milk (Real milk....fat free is just white water...)
I have no idea. Maybe I'll write a book about how not to clean you house (100 things that are more fun)
Right now the lottery seems to be my best bet though, but I know math a little bit and just cannot bring myself to buy tickets.
1Tbs of ground black pepper (Don't be lazy it’s much better if you grind it yourself)
1 cup of milk (Real milk....fat free is just white water...)
I have no idea. Maybe I'll write a book about how not to clean you house (100 things that are more fun)
Right now the lottery seems to be my best bet though, but I know math a little bit and just cannot bring myself to buy tickets.
So I recently took pregnancy tests. Now the way this played out was actually very odd. After I first missed my period I took a test. I was shaking the whole time. Petrified....and it was negative. Granted our goal these past few months has been...well to get pregnant. But the idea of it was so scary that day that I was relieved a little bit. I had bought a three pack of tests so the next day when nothing happened I took another. This time I was a little less scared and a little more excited. Negative. Hmmm now my brain is a weird brain, so I start thinking that if it was going to be positive it would be by now and i should just wait for my impending cycle. But...I have one more test. So I wait three days and take that test. By now I'm scared, frustrated and excited. Still negative. By this time I'm pretty much a lunatic over it. So what do I do??? Yes. I go buy more tests. Which starts this downward spiral of pretty much me waiting to pee. But guess what. 8 days go by and still nothing. Finally I'm down to two last ones. I have probably spent $100 on test by that point. I also am not longer scared of the idea, I am so irritated that they keep ending up negative that its pretty much a war now, and I am going to win damnit!
So finally 12 days after my missed period I take a test. Now it couldn't be easy. There was the faintest positive ever. So faint that if I had not been staring at negatives this whole time I might not have seen it. So what do I do? I sit my significant other down and make him stare at the damn thing. Now there are supposed to be two lines. There is the control and a very very faint line to the left of it. There’s a diagram on the test to show you what it should look like. The window cannot be more than 1.5 centimeters across. So I show it to him.
"I don't see anything."
Crap.... now I am crazy. But I can see it. I swear I can. SO I stare at it some more. Then he stares at it. THen I stare at it. This goes on for like 15 minutes. He still does not see it.
So finally I sit real close to him and take a pen and point at the faint line.
"OOooh I wasn't looking there."
"Where were you looking?"
"There." * Points quarter of a centimeter away from faint line.
I love this guy.
So then begins the fiasco. I make a doctor’s appointment. With my perinatologist. Granted its super early but oh well everyone just going to have to deal with me. I take the rest of my tests over the next few days and the line gets darker.
I am supposed to be 6 weeks. But obviously a faint positive 12 days late is going to be off. SO the ultrasound just shows an immeasurable sack. Which of course gets me nervous. I have HCG levels drawn and have to go back in monday for a redraw to make sure the pregnancy is viable. My doctor told me blatantly that I could work through my whole pregnancy. Which is not what I want to hear. I want at least my second trimester off. He told me that if my job is too intense i need to find a different job. Why would I find a different job when I pay to have short term disability for this kind of situation. The other weird thing is he got the giggle at some point. SO throughout the whole time we were questioning viability and my work issues he is literally giggling. I think I now understand why all of his reviews said he had terrible bedside manner.
So finally 12 days after my missed period I take a test. Now it couldn't be easy. There was the faintest positive ever. So faint that if I had not been staring at negatives this whole time I might not have seen it. So what do I do? I sit my significant other down and make him stare at the damn thing. Now there are supposed to be two lines. There is the control and a very very faint line to the left of it. There’s a diagram on the test to show you what it should look like. The window cannot be more than 1.5 centimeters across. So I show it to him.
"I don't see anything."
Crap.... now I am crazy. But I can see it. I swear I can. SO I stare at it some more. Then he stares at it. THen I stare at it. This goes on for like 15 minutes. He still does not see it.
So finally I sit real close to him and take a pen and point at the faint line.
"OOooh I wasn't looking there."
"Where were you looking?"
"There." * Points quarter of a centimeter away from faint line.
I love this guy.
So then begins the fiasco. I make a doctor’s appointment. With my perinatologist. Granted its super early but oh well everyone just going to have to deal with me. I take the rest of my tests over the next few days and the line gets darker.
I am supposed to be 6 weeks. But obviously a faint positive 12 days late is going to be off. SO the ultrasound just shows an immeasurable sack. Which of course gets me nervous. I have HCG levels drawn and have to go back in monday for a redraw to make sure the pregnancy is viable. My doctor told me blatantly that I could work through my whole pregnancy. Which is not what I want to hear. I want at least my second trimester off. He told me that if my job is too intense i need to find a different job. Why would I find a different job when I pay to have short term disability for this kind of situation. The other weird thing is he got the giggle at some point. SO throughout the whole time we were questioning viability and my work issues he is literally giggling. I think I now understand why all of his reviews said he had terrible bedside manner.
Oh well. I have to just wait and see what happens. Wish me luck.
That’s what I have been up to. What have you guys been up too?
Wednesday, March 2, 2011
Two.. Fianlly.
We finally got two doctors to agree. Took over 6 months. They both agree I have APS. THey both agree on treatment. Its such a reliefe but so annoying.
They both saw it so clearly. It was so obvious to them. Not on tests they ran. But on the ones my other doctors ran. The old tests. The ones I have been carrying around with me in a green folder for the past year. The ones seen by three other specialists and four Ob's, who were baffled.
The second, a haematologist, was very nice. He was pretty upset that it took me this long. He took a list of all of the doctors I had seen and wrote them a formal letter explaining my situation and where they need to fill knowledge gaps in their profession.
It was nice. He was sweet and told us we could try right away if we wanted. We decided to wait. THen a month later decided to try again.
We haven't told anyone. People ask me about it and I lie. But the weird thing is. At the idea of me trying to get pregnant again my friends and family are well very negative.
They aren't ready. I feel ready but their comments and weird behavior on the subject its pretty obvious they would rather us not. I understand the stress. I just dont want to wait two more years. I don't want to be over thirty. But most of all I don't want to spend the next 4 years losing babies. If its not going to work out. I'd rather it be sooner than later. And I'm only going to try this one more time. People are right. Enough can be enough. I never wanted four or fivr children. But it might end up that way. But i definatly don't want to lose another, but i feel bold enough to try again. If it went badly I would not be able to try again.
This month was a no go. So hopefully in march.
They both saw it so clearly. It was so obvious to them. Not on tests they ran. But on the ones my other doctors ran. The old tests. The ones I have been carrying around with me in a green folder for the past year. The ones seen by three other specialists and four Ob's, who were baffled.
The second, a haematologist, was very nice. He was pretty upset that it took me this long. He took a list of all of the doctors I had seen and wrote them a formal letter explaining my situation and where they need to fill knowledge gaps in their profession.
It was nice. He was sweet and told us we could try right away if we wanted. We decided to wait. THen a month later decided to try again.
We haven't told anyone. People ask me about it and I lie. But the weird thing is. At the idea of me trying to get pregnant again my friends and family are well very negative.
They aren't ready. I feel ready but their comments and weird behavior on the subject its pretty obvious they would rather us not. I understand the stress. I just dont want to wait two more years. I don't want to be over thirty. But most of all I don't want to spend the next 4 years losing babies. If its not going to work out. I'd rather it be sooner than later. And I'm only going to try this one more time. People are right. Enough can be enough. I never wanted four or fivr children. But it might end up that way. But i definatly don't want to lose another, but i feel bold enough to try again. If it went badly I would not be able to try again.
This month was a no go. So hopefully in march.
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