Oh grief counseling...

Why is it called counseling? What exactly are they selling me anyways? It sure was not what I expected or wanted. After Logan I promised I would see a counselor. We went though bunches of them and picked one.

She had lost a baby too! Maybe she could guide me way from my borderline suicidal thoughts and onto a new path of remembering my children and moving on with my life!

The first visit was awkward. She asked me questions. Lots of them. She didn't want to talk about my babies. She wanted to talk about my crummy childhood. I  kept trying to redirect her. She kept going back to it.

" I already went to counseling for my childhood I'm here for recent events." I pleaded. Please acknowledge my current issue... its a bigger deal. Its the biggest deal that's ever happened to me. Not some absent father and abusive step father. I don't have a daddy issue. I don't care about those things. I care that I am drowning in grief. That I dream at night of my water breaking and holding little babies.

Finally she reached into her file, and pulled out all of these papers. " I brought you some papers on grief."

I think I should inform you all now. My life has included quite a bit of psychology, as well as web design. I am not only medically savy  from nursing school, I'm pretty internet sufficient.

She printed from about.com the steps of grief. Yes, her solutions for me she found on about.com. The ad's printed on the side. "How to know if your man is gay."

Did she click that? Thats all I could think of. The next 10 minutes,while she tried to teach me breathing exercises. Is her man gay? or Not? Should I ask her? I was pretty irritated. Why would I pay someone to do something I can do easily myself. I have the internet. Hell, I have three editions of psychology books. I bet its in there a million times.

And without the tempting ad's of learning your mans true sexual preference. I hope he was gay.

I felt betrayed, that I was an afterthought whilst surfing the internet. But maybe I was being too sensitive. So I decided to try her again.

Oh wow. It started with her asking me again about when I was a kid. I redirected her. Then voiced all of my feelings about how my poor significant other is stuck with this woman who keeps losing babies.

"Don't think like that, just try planning a dream vacation instead." She replied. No "That's normal" or "Why don't you talk to him about these feelings."

When she saw it floundering she said. "Or maybe plan to remodel your kitchen. It seems like you  are too sad."

 Not even 14 days. It had not even been 14 days. I was still yet to get a d&c to remove placenta pieces left behind. Too sad?!?

I was shocked. I was here to move through the worst thing to ever happened to me and her answer was to plan a vacation. I never went back.

When I told my significant other he replied with. "Maybe you are too sad." The only time I felt like he wasn't on my side. I made a point from then on to not cry in front of him if I could help it.

So counseling was out.