Logan Rush

You are harder for me to write about. For a lot of reasons. Three months is not a long time, and I still find myself a mess remembering everything thats happened. Its all so intense. Just how similar everything occurred. I have never told anyone but some days I feel little kicks. Little reminders that someone is missing. Like popcorn. Just once maybe twice. Just like the last week when you were still with me.

When we found out we were pregnant with you it was like a dream. I was on birth control! Everyone said. "Sometimes theres nothing you can do, babies will do what they want."

I have never been so afraid. But everyone assured me. 3 ob's, 2 specialists, midwives, ER doctors, the chances of what happened with your sister happening again were not high. Well fine. If doctors all said I was fine then fine.

But everything was painfully similar. The first trimester bleeding. The cramping at 13 weeks. I was not going to sit by and let it happen again. So I went to the ER, twice. They did all the tests in the world and you were fine. My cervix was closed. Your water levels were beautiful. Your heart rate development everything picture perfect.
I still was not convinced. I changed Ob's because one wouldn't listen to me. The new one ran tests! Every week I went back to make sure my cervix was closed and you were fine. We must have had 8 ultrasounds of you. Wigglin and being cute.

Finally I sucked it up. I got past 17 weeks. I got past when I lost your sister. We all breathed a sigh of relief. The doctors changed my visits to every two weeks. We told your Grandma and Grandpa. They were so excited!

That weekend we went there. I could not pee. No matter how much water I drank. It was painful. But when I had brought it up to our doctor she said that was normal... Now that I look back its not. Your sisters water broke when I was trying to pee.

That week I had cramping, but I always had cramping and I was fine. We were fine. Everyone said so! So when we started driving to go up north and the cramping got worse I was not prepared. In fact I told you dad not to go to the ER because it might go away like it always does. But it didn't. It didn't even feel like contractions. The back pain was constant. There was no letup or give. When we finally got to the ER I called the doctor.

"I have to pee." I told her. "But I'm afraid my water will break." She told me that I needed to void my bladder. I told her that if I did my water was going to break. She told me that it was not going to happen and that I was just scaring myself.

The weirdest part was the day and time. Thursday at noon, its always Thursday at noon. I went pee before checking into the er and that sound. The all too familiar pop and gush. My water broke again.

I came out and your dad knew. He asked me "Please no..."

But i couldn't do anything for him or for you. I already knew.

You were much more into the idea of being born than your sister. Instead of 30 hours it was only 9. The nurse tried to console me. "Sometimes people just bleed, its probably not your water..." Mid sentence she stopped when the amniotic fluid test turned the color she didn't want to see.

"ohh." she said.

You were more oblivious than your sister. 150 heart rate. I was bleeding, I didn't bleed with your sister. And i was dialated to four. When they finally got some one to come and check me your feet were already dangling out of my cervix.

There you were. No water, blood flowing around you, half born. And had no idea. You were not distressed in the least. I'd like to say I joke about you being silly like me. But I can't yet. I cannot joke yet.

They took me into labor and deliver. And by 9:45 pm you were born. About the same time as your sister too. You were bigger. A whole ounce. I had to push. It sounds weird to have to push for a 6oz baby. I guess it shows just how not ready my cervix was.

Well. I was much more prepared for you than I thought. I knew how everything was going to happen. This time it was just me and your dad. your aunt showed up later, thank god. I told the nurses what I wanted and what to do. If i was going to lose you then they would do it the way we wanted. I would get all of the little things I didn't get with your sister.

I wanted hand prints, I wanted your clothes to be green not blue, I wanted the little stuffed animals they took your pictures with, I wanted your pictures, I wanted to chose where I sent you to be cremated... But more so I wanted you. I wanted this to not be happening. I was so ready for this not to happen. The doctors had all told me over and over again ti was not going to happen. So then why?

Now you were perfect. A week makes a big difference. A whole ounce bigger than your sister. You had big flat feet, and a wide nose. You kept pointing, even in the little hand cast they made you are pointing. It gave me and your aunt a giggle. Your tongue was sticking out, silly boy.

You looked so much like your dad. It was hard for me. To see those features on a baby, another one we wouldn't get to take home. Who was silent. You had his eyebrows, and floppy ears, his feet and nose.

Something about you was so sweet. We had seen you so many times on the ultrasound. So many little wiggles. So many little joys, and it was all gone.

The other part that hit me that night was that it was me. No one loses two babies that late and not have something wrong with them. You were both so healthy, it had to be me.

We held you for hours. I miss you, so much. I think about you all day all night. I dream about you. As your due date approaches I cannot help but feel such guilt that if you had another mother. You would still be warm and growing. Sorry little guy. I couldn't do it for you either.