That being said.

Though I have felt such great milestones in this pregnancy and feel better about going forward I cannot help but feel really depressed these last few days. Logan's birthday is coming up and I am in bed. All day I think about it right now. I'm glad for the time I have alone (Which seems to be a lot latley) but also sad to be alone when I am so upset. I feel like a burden having to be on bedrest and then so much more of  a  burden expecting comfort for something that would not have happened if not for me. How do I get this guilt to calm down? I have all day in bed to bounce back and forth between fear for this pregnancy, grief about the children I have lost, guilt about everything that has happened and is happening, happiness to be pregnant now, and feelings of inadequecy and uselessness. Throw in the hormones and my god. How do I survive this? If this little boy makes it will I even be able to take care of him? Will all of this reflection destroy me? When people do visit me or come by to help I feel relieved to have a distraction but then some days they say they will come but don't.  My DH says he will be home but doesn't show for hours. Am I unbearable to be around? I can't be mad. I don't blame them I am hard for me to be around I cannot imagine what it is like for them. I feel like I made a mistake getting pregnant with this baby. That my intentions were purley selfish and to put my family and this baby through this is beyond terrible of me.

Oh grief counseling...

Why is it called counseling? What exactly are they selling me anyways? It sure was not what I expected or wanted. After Logan I promised I would see a counselor. We went though bunches of them and picked one.

She had lost a baby too! Maybe she could guide me way from my borderline suicidal thoughts and onto a new path of remembering my children and moving on with my life!

The first visit was awkward. She asked me questions. Lots of them. She didn't want to talk about my babies. She wanted to talk about my crummy childhood. I  kept trying to redirect her. She kept going back to it.

" I already went to counseling for my childhood I'm here for recent events." I pleaded. Please acknowledge my current issue... its a bigger deal. Its the biggest deal that's ever happened to me. Not some absent father and abusive step father. I don't have a daddy issue. I don't care about those things. I care that I am drowning in grief. That I dream at night of my water breaking and holding little babies.

Finally she reached into her file, and pulled out all of these papers. " I brought you some papers on grief."

I think I should inform you all now. My life has included quite a bit of psychology, as well as web design. I am not only medically savy  from nursing school, I'm pretty internet sufficient.

She printed from about.com the steps of grief. Yes, her solutions for me she found on about.com. The ad's printed on the side. "How to know if your man is gay."

Did she click that? Thats all I could think of. The next 10 minutes,while she tried to teach me breathing exercises. Is her man gay? or Not? Should I ask her? I was pretty irritated. Why would I pay someone to do something I can do easily myself. I have the internet. Hell, I have three editions of psychology books. I bet its in there a million times.

And without the tempting ad's of learning your mans true sexual preference. I hope he was gay.

I felt betrayed, that I was an afterthought whilst surfing the internet. But maybe I was being too sensitive. So I decided to try her again.

Oh wow. It started with her asking me again about when I was a kid. I redirected her. Then voiced all of my feelings about how my poor significant other is stuck with this woman who keeps losing babies.

"Don't think like that, just try planning a dream vacation instead." She replied. No "That's normal" or "Why don't you talk to him about these feelings."

When she saw it floundering she said. "Or maybe plan to remodel your kitchen. It seems like you  are too sad."

 Not even 14 days. It had not even been 14 days. I was still yet to get a d&c to remove placenta pieces left behind. Too sad?!?

I was shocked. I was here to move through the worst thing to ever happened to me and her answer was to plan a vacation. I never went back.

When I told my significant other he replied with. "Maybe you are too sad." The only time I felt like he wasn't on my side. I made a point from then on to not cry in front of him if I could help it.

So counseling was out.

Lily Joy

Oh where to begin. I am not sure. I feel like I could go on for hours. Discussing your chubby cheeks and little feet. I feel as if sometimes this is all a dream and that a 5 month old will wake me up hungry and cranky. That I will shrug off all of the crazy dreams I had about losing a beautiful little girl. That me and you will go about our day. Shopping, cleaning and cooking. Playing and tummy time all included, that you will giggle and your dad will too. That the two of you will play until you both fall asleep on the couch. That you will pull my hair and his glasses. 

But I don't wake up, because thats not what happened. The dream is true. I did lose you. That on January 6, 2010 my water did break. At that there was nothing anyone could do for you. That no matter who I saw or talked to. The midwife, the doctor, the other doctor, the emergency room doctors, the ob doctors. That there was nothing to be done.

The worst part for me was how healthy you were. It wasn't at the time. At the time I could not have been more proud. There you were, no water, infection, labor, but your heartbeat just kept on going like nothing was wrong. Sometimes on my better days I joke that you were oblivious to your surroundings. Something you defiantly get from me silly girl.

But it was not meant to be. I begged them to not give me en epidural. I just wanted to go through it with you. They did give me some weird drugs. Made me pretty loopy. But now that I look back it was probably better to be loopy. It was painful like they said it would be. "Worse than normal labor because your body is not ready." Is what they said. I believe it.

I was in labor with you for over 30 hours. From when my water broke to when you were born. The first doctor wanted me to go get a D & E. That infection would set in if I didn't, that the chances of your amniotic fluid refilling was so rare that it was not worth the risk.

But, we couldn't. We opted to wait the 24 hours. I should have gone to the ER. I should have not listened. I should have not gone home. We sat at home and said we loved you over and over again. Hoping you would hear us and begging that your water would fill back up.

But again it was not to be. By the next day at the ultrasound there was no water. Amniotic fluid refreshes around every four hours. I had not been leaking, but nope there was still none. It was heartbreaking to see you on the ultrasound. Trying to move without water, your heart beating happily, but probably a little confused. By then I had an infection. I had no idea what to do. They sent me to the ER. I sat there for 9 hours. Contractions and back pain. Oh yeah... I had a lot of back pain. Eventually they took me to labor and delivery. I'm not sure about how I feel about this practice. Though I understand their want to acknowledge me as a mother in labor. Listening to other babies cry when you didn't was hard to cope with also.

On your records it says you were not alive when you were born. But you were, only for a few seconds, less than a minute.

I remembered what your dad said to me when he handed you to me. "She might move." Warning me, to not be startled. You didn't though.  Before you were born nurses came in and urged us to hold you.

Before they brought me up to labor and delivery the woman gave me a choice of a D & E or labor so we could see you. Of course we wanted to see you. 

I'm not going to lie, you were perfect. So perfect I was shocked. I had no idea babies were so developed at 17 weeks. That your cheeks would be a little chubby. That your little toes would have their fingernails. That your nose would look so much like mine, your feet so tiny. Its funny at the time I Thought your feet were so tiny because you were born so early. It wasn't until after I had your brother that I realized they were small because mine were small. (He has your dads huge feet.)

Granted your skin was pretty transparent still. That I'm sure when i describe you to people that they imagine this miniature pink baby. But some women know better. Though I have not met one yet. There has to be women out there like me who have held a perfect little baby thats red, who's eyes are still sealed shut. Who's ears are so thin.

It was such a  weird experience. Your aunt and grandma came. They held you and loved all of you like we did. We should all be happy. I had a baby. Its supposed to be happy. But it wasn't. I told them about how strong you were. And we all talked about how perfect and beautiful you were. We held you and passed you around. But it was wrong, all wrong. It was too early, we were not prepared, and neither were you. I'm still sorry for that. As mad as it makes every one at me. I'm sorry I'm your mom, and the more I find out the more sorry I am. Thanks for gracing me with you presence even if it was only for 17 weeks. I never thought you could love someone that much. I feel overwhelmed by it. There's grief, and sadness, and guilt, the only reason these things don't crush me. The only reason I somehow get through the days. Is that how can these feelings overwhelm me, when loving you so much already has.

I miss you every single day.