Why is it always a miscarriage??

Why is it that any'time a woman has a heavy period, or something that looks a little weird, or abnormal pain, or a late menstration they assume its a miscarrige. I know women who honestly beleive they have been pregnant multiple times because of a heavy periods. Or women who take a pregnancy test thats negative and assume that its too late and they must have been pregnant. This makes me crazy.

"Oh I know I was pregnant."

No you didn't. No positive pregnancy test. No confirmation. You weren't

Women have chemical pregnancies/ miscarriages and their tests are positive.

If this crazy logic is true then I was pregnant over 40 times throughout highschool.  Its normal to think "I might be pregnant." its not normal to assume when your period comes you are pregnant.

"But I saw a white clump." This could be discharge that has gotten dense, it could be calcium in the blood that has clumped together. If you did not get a positive pregnancy test these things are what you are seeing.

"I bled so much!" No you didn't. You haven't seen bleeding a lot. Litterally soaking a pad every 30 minutes is a lot and you are supposed togo to the er. But what they don't say is when you get to the er unless you are dehydrated, anemic, or have signs of massive bloodloss its not a concern. I have known women who soak tampons and super pads simultaniously multiple times an hour. Its just their heavy period. FYI Women have heavy periods. Its true. it doesn't matter if you never had a heavy period before. So many things effect hormone. Hell if you eat too much soy it can mess with you cycle.

"My cramping is sooo bad." Cramping happens. It doesn't mean you are havign a miscarriage. It could mean you have a little too much hormone in your system and your body is having a heard time shedding the lining. You might need to drink water. Theres so many thing that happen that are not pregnancy that cause this. My sisters cramping was so bad she couldn't walk. I had to carry her naked once from the bathroom floor where she colapsed to her bed while she cried and moaned. She was not having a miscarriage.

"I know I was pregnant." STFU. When I was 16 I "Knew" I was pregnant. Then I took an effing pregnamcy test and I wasn't. You brain did not mature enough to process the negative test. You have some other issues you need to deal with.

Also know pregnancies timeline. Implantation is what gives you a positive test. It takes 6 to 12 days after ovulation for this to happen. Those days prior the egg is floating and not giving you hormones.  So if you had sex you cannot have a miscarriage 3 days later.

Also it is terribly offensive for you to compare your heavy period, food poisoning, cyst, and so on to someone who has lost a child!!!!

If you did not get a positive pregnancy test, or did not see actual products of conception you were not pregnant. If you think you are  having a miscarriage go to the er!!! DON'T HANG OUT AND SPECULATE! If you are ok enough to hang out then you are not having a micarriage.

High Risk Pregnancy

I made a new website. Its still super new, but I am sick of not having a place where high risk moms, people who have suffered loss or people who are considering all of these things while TTC. So I made one. Its a baby site that's for sure. But I hope to see you there!

click <-

Logan Rush

You are harder for me to write about. For a lot of reasons. Three months is not a long time, and I still find myself a mess remembering everything thats happened. Its all so intense. Just how similar everything occurred. I have never told anyone but some days I feel little kicks. Little reminders that someone is missing. Like popcorn. Just once maybe twice. Just like the last week when you were still with me.

When we found out we were pregnant with you it was like a dream. I was on birth control! Everyone said. "Sometimes theres nothing you can do, babies will do what they want."

I have never been so afraid. But everyone assured me. 3 ob's, 2 specialists, midwives, ER doctors, the chances of what happened with your sister happening again were not high. Well fine. If doctors all said I was fine then fine.

But everything was painfully similar. The first trimester bleeding. The cramping at 13 weeks. I was not going to sit by and let it happen again. So I went to the ER, twice. They did all the tests in the world and you were fine. My cervix was closed. Your water levels were beautiful. Your heart rate development everything picture perfect.
I still was not convinced. I changed Ob's because one wouldn't listen to me. The new one ran tests! Every week I went back to make sure my cervix was closed and you were fine. We must have had 8 ultrasounds of you. Wigglin and being cute.

Finally I sucked it up. I got past 17 weeks. I got past when I lost your sister. We all breathed a sigh of relief. The doctors changed my visits to every two weeks. We told your Grandma and Grandpa. They were so excited!

That weekend we went there. I could not pee. No matter how much water I drank. It was painful. But when I had brought it up to our doctor she said that was normal... Now that I look back its not. Your sisters water broke when I was trying to pee.

That week I had cramping, but I always had cramping and I was fine. We were fine. Everyone said so! So when we started driving to go up north and the cramping got worse I was not prepared. In fact I told you dad not to go to the ER because it might go away like it always does. But it didn't. It didn't even feel like contractions. The back pain was constant. There was no letup or give. When we finally got to the ER I called the doctor.

"I have to pee." I told her. "But I'm afraid my water will break." She told me that I needed to void my bladder. I told her that if I did my water was going to break. She told me that it was not going to happen and that I was just scaring myself.

The weirdest part was the day and time. Thursday at noon, its always Thursday at noon. I went pee before checking into the er and that sound. The all too familiar pop and gush. My water broke again.

I came out and your dad knew. He asked me "Please no..."

But i couldn't do anything for him or for you. I already knew.

You were much more into the idea of being born than your sister. Instead of 30 hours it was only 9. The nurse tried to console me. "Sometimes people just bleed, its probably not your water..." Mid sentence she stopped when the amniotic fluid test turned the color she didn't want to see.

"ohh." she said.

You were more oblivious than your sister. 150 heart rate. I was bleeding, I didn't bleed with your sister. And i was dialated to four. When they finally got some one to come and check me your feet were already dangling out of my cervix.

There you were. No water, blood flowing around you, half born. And had no idea. You were not distressed in the least. I'd like to say I joke about you being silly like me. But I can't yet. I cannot joke yet.

They took me into labor and deliver. And by 9:45 pm you were born. About the same time as your sister too. You were bigger. A whole ounce. I had to push. It sounds weird to have to push for a 6oz baby. I guess it shows just how not ready my cervix was.

Well. I was much more prepared for you than I thought. I knew how everything was going to happen. This time it was just me and your dad. your aunt showed up later, thank god. I told the nurses what I wanted and what to do. If i was going to lose you then they would do it the way we wanted. I would get all of the little things I didn't get with your sister.

I wanted hand prints, I wanted your clothes to be green not blue, I wanted the little stuffed animals they took your pictures with, I wanted your pictures, I wanted to chose where I sent you to be cremated... But more so I wanted you. I wanted this to not be happening. I was so ready for this not to happen. The doctors had all told me over and over again ti was not going to happen. So then why?

Now you were perfect. A week makes a big difference. A whole ounce bigger than your sister. You had big flat feet, and a wide nose. You kept pointing, even in the little hand cast they made you are pointing. It gave me and your aunt a giggle. Your tongue was sticking out, silly boy.

You looked so much like your dad. It was hard for me. To see those features on a baby, another one we wouldn't get to take home. Who was silent. You had his eyebrows, and floppy ears, his feet and nose.

Something about you was so sweet. We had seen you so many times on the ultrasound. So many little wiggles. So many little joys, and it was all gone.

The other part that hit me that night was that it was me. No one loses two babies that late and not have something wrong with them. You were both so healthy, it had to be me.

We held you for hours. I miss you, so much. I think about you all day all night. I dream about you. As your due date approaches I cannot help but feel such guilt that if you had another mother. You would still be warm and growing. Sorry little guy. I couldn't do it for you either.

Lily Joy

Oh where to begin. I am not sure. I feel like I could go on for hours. Discussing your chubby cheeks and little feet. I feel as if sometimes this is all a dream and that a 5 month old will wake me up hungry and cranky. That I will shrug off all of the crazy dreams I had about losing a beautiful little girl. That me and you will go about our day. Shopping, cleaning and cooking. Playing and tummy time all included, that you will giggle and your dad will too. That the two of you will play until you both fall asleep on the couch. That you will pull my hair and his glasses. 

But I don't wake up, because thats not what happened. The dream is true. I did lose you. That on January 6, 2010 my water did break. At that there was nothing anyone could do for you. That no matter who I saw or talked to. The midwife, the doctor, the other doctor, the emergency room doctors, the ob doctors. That there was nothing to be done.

The worst part for me was how healthy you were. It wasn't at the time. At the time I could not have been more proud. There you were, no water, infection, labor, but your heartbeat just kept on going like nothing was wrong. Sometimes on my better days I joke that you were oblivious to your surroundings. Something you defiantly get from me silly girl.

But it was not meant to be. I begged them to not give me en epidural. I just wanted to go through it with you. They did give me some weird drugs. Made me pretty loopy. But now that I look back it was probably better to be loopy. It was painful like they said it would be. "Worse than normal labor because your body is not ready." Is what they said. I believe it.

I was in labor with you for over 30 hours. From when my water broke to when you were born. The first doctor wanted me to go get a D & E. That infection would set in if I didn't, that the chances of your amniotic fluid refilling was so rare that it was not worth the risk.

But, we couldn't. We opted to wait the 24 hours. I should have gone to the ER. I should have not listened. I should have not gone home. We sat at home and said we loved you over and over again. Hoping you would hear us and begging that your water would fill back up.

But again it was not to be. By the next day at the ultrasound there was no water. Amniotic fluid refreshes around every four hours. I had not been leaking, but nope there was still none. It was heartbreaking to see you on the ultrasound. Trying to move without water, your heart beating happily, but probably a little confused. By then I had an infection. I had no idea what to do. They sent me to the ER. I sat there for 9 hours. Contractions and back pain. Oh yeah... I had a lot of back pain. Eventually they took me to labor and delivery. I'm not sure about how I feel about this practice. Though I understand their want to acknowledge me as a mother in labor. Listening to other babies cry when you didn't was hard to cope with also.

On your records it says you were not alive when you were born. But you were, only for a few seconds, less than a minute.

I remembered what your dad said to me when he handed you to me. "She might move." Warning me, to not be startled. You didn't though.  Before you were born nurses came in and urged us to hold you.

Before they brought me up to labor and delivery the woman gave me a choice of a D & E or labor so we could see you. Of course we wanted to see you. 

I'm not going to lie, you were perfect. So perfect I was shocked. I had no idea babies were so developed at 17 weeks. That your cheeks would be a little chubby. That your little toes would have their fingernails. That your nose would look so much like mine, your feet so tiny. Its funny at the time I Thought your feet were so tiny because you were born so early. It wasn't until after I had your brother that I realized they were small because mine were small. (He has your dads huge feet.)

Granted your skin was pretty transparent still. That I'm sure when i describe you to people that they imagine this miniature pink baby. But some women know better. Though I have not met one yet. There has to be women out there like me who have held a perfect little baby thats red, who's eyes are still sealed shut. Who's ears are so thin.

It was such a  weird experience. Your aunt and grandma came. They held you and loved all of you like we did. We should all be happy. I had a baby. Its supposed to be happy. But it wasn't. I told them about how strong you were. And we all talked about how perfect and beautiful you were. We held you and passed you around. But it was wrong, all wrong. It was too early, we were not prepared, and neither were you. I'm still sorry for that. As mad as it makes every one at me. I'm sorry I'm your mom, and the more I find out the more sorry I am. Thanks for gracing me with you presence even if it was only for 17 weeks. I never thought you could love someone that much. I feel overwhelmed by it. There's grief, and sadness, and guilt, the only reason these things don't crush me. The only reason I somehow get through the days. Is that how can these feelings overwhelm me, when loving you so much already has.

I miss you every single day.