That being said.

Though I have felt such great milestones in this pregnancy and feel better about going forward I cannot help but feel really depressed these last few days. Logan's birthday is coming up and I am in bed. All day I think about it right now. I'm glad for the time I have alone (Which seems to be a lot latley) but also sad to be alone when I am so upset. I feel like a burden having to be on bedrest and then so much more of  a  burden expecting comfort for something that would not have happened if not for me. How do I get this guilt to calm down? I have all day in bed to bounce back and forth between fear for this pregnancy, grief about the children I have lost, guilt about everything that has happened and is happening, happiness to be pregnant now, and feelings of inadequecy and uselessness. Throw in the hormones and my god. How do I survive this? If this little boy makes it will I even be able to take care of him? Will all of this reflection destroy me? When people do visit me or come by to help I feel relieved to have a distraction but then some days they say they will come but don't.  My DH says he will be home but doesn't show for hours. Am I unbearable to be around? I can't be mad. I don't blame them I am hard for me to be around I cannot imagine what it is like for them. I feel like I made a mistake getting pregnant with this baby. That my intentions were purley selfish and to put my family and this baby through this is beyond terrible of me.