things bedrest has taught me..

that if you straighten your hair  it wont get so matted..I looked like a stray cat for weeks before I figured that out

that of all the things you miss shaving will be the most irritating one

that you will sweat in places you never sweat before

that nurses doctors and strangers will all have opinions  about your situation that are rude, incorrect, and wrong.

that family and Friends will fall off the face of the earth.

that people will call you out of guilt but lie about plans and disease to get out of helping and seeing you.

that without support it can be the loneliest time of your life. throw in some hormones and your a mess.

that not being able to get things ready for your baby will be so hard .

that people will think you are faking even if you are in the hospital

that hospital food will not be that bad at first but then turn into something you have nightmares about.

that you miss sex even if you had no drive prior.

that having a baby shower will be hard upsetting and disappointing.

that doctors will ask you questions then ignore your answer unless you are dieing.

that every pain will be noticeable and concerning.


you will find yourself online shopping for weird weird things.

food cravings are more intense when you can't get anything yourself.

that if at home you might pee in some weird container  because you are in pain and afraid to get up.

that baby kicks are so wonderful and remind you why you are doing it.

That being said.

Though I have felt such great milestones in this pregnancy and feel better about going forward I cannot help but feel really depressed these last few days. Logan's birthday is coming up and I am in bed. All day I think about it right now. I'm glad for the time I have alone (Which seems to be a lot latley) but also sad to be alone when I am so upset. I feel like a burden having to be on bedrest and then so much more of  a  burden expecting comfort for something that would not have happened if not for me. How do I get this guilt to calm down? I have all day in bed to bounce back and forth between fear for this pregnancy, grief about the children I have lost, guilt about everything that has happened and is happening, happiness to be pregnant now, and feelings of inadequecy and uselessness. Throw in the hormones and my god. How do I survive this? If this little boy makes it will I even be able to take care of him? Will all of this reflection destroy me? When people do visit me or come by to help I feel relieved to have a distraction but then some days they say they will come but don't.  My DH says he will be home but doesn't show for hours. Am I unbearable to be around? I can't be mad. I don't blame them I am hard for me to be around I cannot imagine what it is like for them. I feel like I made a mistake getting pregnant with this baby. That my intentions were purley selfish and to put my family and this baby through this is beyond terrible of me.