That's the difference...

Miscarriage puts you and your relationship in a weird place. One of grief and uncertainty.  As to where an unplanned pregnancy might be terribly stressful the strain is not the same. I have joined two websites over the year. One about pregnancy and one about miscarriage.

I have noticed something odd, but not unsupported by studies on the matter. Miscarriage results more in divorce and breakups than a live baby. Maybe not right away. But it seems to be the normal outcome. As to where the women with live children are constantly being proposed to and renewing vows and so on. The women on the miscarriage forum rarely talk about their significant others. I used to think this was because they felt alone in their grief. But as I went on through these terrible experiences, I realized. I also do not discuss my significant other. On either forum. Or really to anyone. ESPECIALLY about everything thats happened. I don't feel selfish. Its more out of guilt. I don't have the right to discuss him after what I have lost.

Today on the pregnancy forum girls were being proposed too.

All I could think is. "I hope he doesn't ask me to marry him. Please... don't let him be planning that." Why? Because I would probably say no. Not because I don't love him. I do. So much.

But because where do I draw the line? When is enough enough? Two dead babies? Three?

If we stay together, and I lose more of his children, wont he resent me? Doesn't he already even though he denies it? How can he not? How ridiculous. Of course he does.

So what are we doing? Me and the love of my life? What is this relationship we have? I don't want to marry him... because that would be terrible for him. How on earth could I let something like that happen? If I love him. Of the billions of women I sit in this little percent, its not that I can't have children. I just can't carry them long enough to live. There are so many others who can do it for him. He's not young. He does not have the time to sit here and waste with me.

So why would I burden him so?

I have a plan, of course, but I need more time for it. There are things I want to do for him. Debt I need to pay, renovations I want to do. But I get selfish some days. Where I don't want to leave him. Where I'm not strong enough and I just want to stay here with him. So weak, which makes me feel even worse.

So is that the reason? Do other women who have been through what I have been through feel the same way? Does the idea of the men we love with a happy family with someone else seem so wonderful? Is that why miscarriage results in a 40% increase in relationships ending? Usually a year and a half later? What a weird statistic. You are 40% more likely to divorce or break up but not for a 18 months. Is it time? Do other women have plans like I do, that take time? Curious for sure.

You wouldn't keep playing with a toy that was broken and sharp, causing you pain. When you can afford to, you get a new one. Is this logic irrational? Too basic? I do not talk to him about this, I actually don't talk to anyone about it. There are by far much darker thoughts in my brain that are all associated with this eventual event, that I'm concerned will result in too much meddling.

But what can I say? I have said I'm sorry. I know he hates to hear me say it. But I honestly don't know what else to say.

:(

:(

Testing...

I have had surprisingly not a lot of tests done.  Not because I don't want them but because doctors don't even consider you have an issue until you have lost 3 or more babies.  What exactly is the reasoning behind this? It shocks me when I hear of stories of women who give up after 8 losses or 12. Thats ridiculous.

Then as a woman we wonder. What if I had a different doctor. One who didn't just let my children die because thats the norm. That is the norm. Think about it. For those of you who have children. What would you do for them? Would you push them out of the way of a car, sacrifice yourself? Travel the world to make sure they have the best health care? Would you yell at a nurse who gave them the wrong dosage? Yes I bet you would do all of these things.

I bet you check on them when they are sleeping. I bet you feel their foreheads when they get red. I bet you would give a limb if it meant their life.

Thats whats annoying. I didn't break my arm. Don't treat me like it will heal. "You can try again after 6 months." Theres no cast. No magical time frame as to where I will heal. In fact I wont heal. My children are dieing, and it took me 4 doctors and three specialists to find someone who might help me figure out why. ITS ONLY A FEW TESTS! Granted, sometimes theres no answer, but why not test. Why not try to save our children. We want to save them. We don't want them to die. But doctors have weird ideas as to what is happening. Three times. Normally a woman has to lose three children before they even test her. Then how many do you lose while trying to figure it out? 1 or 2 more? 5 children? What kind of society do we live in, where we will let a family have 5 babies die for reasons that are preventable. What kind of society lets these families grieve a taboo disaster over and over and over again before we test?

There needs to be a miscarriage clinic. In every state. A place where women can go for answers and tests. A place where they wont be shrugged off. Where their children wont be shrugged off. Why is it, that there are plastic surgeons every where but no one to help women who have suffered the ultimate loss? Why s it easier for me to get a boob job than to get a simple blood test?

20% of all confirmed pregnancies end in miscarriage. So in your child's first grade class of 30. There a 6 children missing.