New Baby

 So far (I am only 6.5 weeks) I have had a massive hemorage, constant bleeding or spotting, and low progesterone.

But there is still a baby in there. I have seen it five times and it is barely the size of  a pea. I am so relieved.

I started taking lovenox aswell.

So this is my list.

1 baby aspirin
1 lovenox shot
2 progesterone pills
2 tums
1 prenatal vitamin
1 dha suppliment

Throw that in with some morning sickness and I pretty much battle it all day. I am so excited and so scared. This baby has already scared me to death and its not even the size of a sugar cube.

I thought I would feel more guilt over trying for another baby. That somehow I would be letting my babies down. But it has not been that bad. I miss them and they more give me strenght. Maybe because of how much I love my siblings. I just love the idea of being able to tell this baby about them. Assuming this pregnancy works out. It has been rough for sure already. They say that with my condition I will only make it to 35 weeks. Thats fine with me. So I only have 29 more to go.

Wish me luck and I will keep you updated.

Stress

We took a few days off this week (YAY) but it definitely reminded me of why I don't want to go back to that place. I have recently been getting bribed I think. For what, I do not know. But the past week has been full of Blair fun things. We went to the Science Center, A Japanese tea house. I got to have my family over multiple times for loud delicious meals. I have been given video games, journals, a picture frame. But why? What is his plan? Its probably the obvious and him just trying to counteract my work stress which has consumed my soul at a faster rate than normal.

I began daydreaming about what I would rather do than be a slave for corporate retail. I tried being a nurse, but I could not handle the doctors. Now that I am elbows deep in more negative doctor experience I'm pretty sure that will never happen. Maybe I would like to be a teacher. Like kindergarten or high school history. It would have to be kindergarten, my grammar is terrible. Maybe I would like to write somehow for a living. I love to cook but hate working in restaurants. Maybe I will write a cookbook.

There are so many out there. Maybe I will write a funny cookbook. That is silly and full of things that are amazing. Recipes are so boring to read. How would you make it funny though?

2 eggs (Without the shells)
1Tbs of ground black pepper (Don't be lazy it’s much better if you grind it yourself)
1 cup of milk (Real milk....fat free is just white water...)

I have no idea.  Maybe I'll write a book about how not to clean you house (100 things that are more fun)

Right now the lottery seems to be my best bet though, but I know math a little bit and just cannot bring myself to buy tickets.

So I recently took pregnancy tests. Now the way this played out was actually very odd. After I first missed my period I took a test. I was shaking the whole time. Petrified....and it was negative. Granted our goal these past few months has been...well to get pregnant. But the idea of it was so scary that day that I was relieved a little bit. I had bought a three pack of tests so the next day when nothing happened I took another. This time I was a little less scared and a little more excited.  Negative. Hmmm now my brain is a weird brain, so I start thinking that if it was going to be positive it would be by now and i should just wait for my impending cycle. But...I have one more test.  So I wait three days and take that test. By now I'm scared, frustrated and excited. Still negative. By this time I'm pretty much a lunatic over it. So what do I do??? Yes. I go buy more tests. Which starts this downward spiral of pretty much me waiting to pee. But guess what. 8 days go by and still nothing. Finally I'm down to two last ones. I have probably spent $100 on test by that point. I also am not longer scared of the idea, I am so irritated that they keep ending up negative that its pretty much a war now, and I am going to win damnit!

So finally 12 days after my missed period I take a test. Now it couldn't be easy. There was the faintest positive ever. So faint that if I had not been staring at negatives this whole time I might not have seen it. So what do I do? I sit my significant other down and make him stare at the damn thing. Now there are supposed to be two lines. There is the control and a very very faint line to the left of it.  There’s a diagram on the test to show you what it should look like. The window cannot be more than 1.5 centimeters across. So I show it to him.

"I don't see anything."

Crap.... now I am crazy. But I can see it. I swear I can. SO I stare at it some more. Then he stares at it. THen I stare at it. This goes on for like 15 minutes. He still does not see it.

So finally I sit real close to him and take a pen and point at the faint line.

"OOooh I wasn't looking there."

"Where were you looking?"

"There." * Points   quarter of a centimeter away from faint line.

I love this guy.

So then begins the fiasco. I make a doctor’s appointment.  With my perinatologist. Granted its super early but oh well everyone just going to have to deal with me. I take the rest of my tests over the next few days and the line gets darker.

I am supposed to be 6 weeks. But obviously  a faint positive 12 days late is going to be off.  SO the ultrasound just shows an immeasurable sack. Which of course gets me nervous. I have HCG levels drawn and have to go back in monday for a redraw to make sure the pregnancy is viable. My doctor told me blatantly that I could work through my whole pregnancy. Which is not what I want to hear. I want at least my second trimester off.  He told me that if my job is too intense i need to find a different job. Why would I find a different job when I pay to have short term disability for this kind of situation. The other weird thing is he got the giggle at some point. SO throughout the whole time we were questioning viability and my work issues he is literally giggling. I think I now understand why all of his reviews said he had terrible bedside manner.

Oh well. I have to just wait and see what happens. Wish me luck.

That’s what I have been up to. What have you guys been up too?