i have 2 doctors one is a perinatologist and one is an ob. I have realizede today why i need both. My perinatologist is very in tune with my disorder and my treatment, he knows my history and is really good with checking things. But he is not sympathetic to my concerns or to my worries. He feels that our treatment plan will be effective and there will be no need for any other type of inntervention such as restrictions or bed rest.
Now, my ob is very the oposite caring, listens to my concerns, obliges my request for leave. But he cannot remember my history. He did an ultra sound and told me that now i am out of the woods for miscarrriage. I just looked at him. Dude read my chart if you can't remember who I am. He is nice butin a completely different plane than my perinatologist. thry are both very nice, but man am I glad I have both to balance eachother out.
Wednesday, May 18, 2011
Monday, May 16, 2011
My DH.
Saves my life everyday. He thanks me everyday for doing all of these thigns for this pregnancy. He takes such good care of me. Mybe it the pregnancy, but man I love that man so much I might explode. He especially thanks me for not making me help me with shots. <3
Doctors appointment today.
It went really well to a point. My doctor is hard headed. He does not understand that this is not my first go around. His solutions were well redundant. Checking my cervix every other week though nice did not help me at all last time. He stated that if there is growth restriction then he will watch the placenta but I don't have an issue with growth restriction. Something just happens at that time. So all in all though the baby was healthy and so freaking cute I didn't feel very reassured. I just really hope my meds are helping so much, and that will be enough. But enough about depressing doctors. Its time for baby!!!
I just love it so much already. Please baby. Lets get through this. I promise I will love you so much. We will play so much. I will love on you all the time. Your dad will sing you made up songs all the time, and feed you all the things he loves. We will hang out so much. I am a really nice lady. I cook really good. I just love you so freaking much!
I just love it so much already. Please baby. Lets get through this. I promise I will love you so much. We will play so much. I will love on you all the time. Your dad will sing you made up songs all the time, and feed you all the things he loves. We will hang out so much. I am a really nice lady. I cook really good. I just love you so freaking much!
Saturday, May 14, 2011
Family and Annoying People
I have a lot of brothers and sisters. I come from a big family. I remember my mom saying that I should be so glad I have sisters because they will be such a great help for me when I am an adult.
My youngest sister and me do not talk. Its not really her fault, we had an argument about whether or not I would make a good parent. Which I feel is none of her business and her lecture (She was 17 at the time) about how abortion was my best bet (Even though she lived with me, and I paid all of her bills) about how I needed to do this and this when I was not even pregnant was beyond annoying. So when I got pregnant and rehashed this fear she had of me screwing up my kids I was beyond livid. Her mom was a coke whore and I could understand why she felt some people should not have children. But I do not do anything close and took care of her when her parents couldn't. So when I lost the baby needless to say we have not spoken since.
My other sister is a great person. Terrible selfish and doesn't think before she talks but is sweet. She has been to the hospital with me numerous times. But after the second baby it became obvious just how much of a toll this whole thing was taking on her. Which I can understand. But it makes the weirdest things come out of her mouth. Today she pretty much told me that my negative thinking was going to doom this pregnancy. Which also insinuated that might have been an issue with the previous ones. Needless to say we do not agree and I am beyond annoyed. Believe me. I don't need people coming up with new ways that all of this could be my fault. I already walk a fine line here and do not need assistance whether from her or hormones as to the guilt I feel in this whole situation. So much for sisterly assistance.
I also have another issue directed at casual acquaintances. Why do you think telling me about your great grandma losing a baby is some how relevant to my situation. That's like me knowing what having twins is like because Angelina Jolie has twins. Your random relative going though something you think is similar does not help me to relate to you, especially when you have never met them. Your mom losing babies before you were born does not make me feel like me and you are in the same boat. Don't come to me with stories of your friends aunt. If you want to talk about what happened to me we can talk about it. But don't act like you know what I have been through unless you have been through it. I understand if it was your sister or your best friend then maybe we can relate a bit better. But your great aunt twice removed having a heavy period does not make you and me on the same page. We are not even reading the same book.
Also, if you have had bleeding while pregnant... then still delivered a healthy baby. You did not lose the babies twin. I have lost clots the size of my fist and knew it was not another baby. Especially at 13 weeks. Now twins can vanish. But if you never heard another heart beat, never saw it on an ultrasound, and had one day where you lost a little clot the size of a quarter, when you have a serious history of precancer in your cervix. I almost guarantee one million percent that clot did not carry a baby the size of a lime.
Wow.. glad I got that out. Sorry if this offends anyone.
My youngest sister and me do not talk. Its not really her fault, we had an argument about whether or not I would make a good parent. Which I feel is none of her business and her lecture (She was 17 at the time) about how abortion was my best bet (Even though she lived with me, and I paid all of her bills) about how I needed to do this and this when I was not even pregnant was beyond annoying. So when I got pregnant and rehashed this fear she had of me screwing up my kids I was beyond livid. Her mom was a coke whore and I could understand why she felt some people should not have children. But I do not do anything close and took care of her when her parents couldn't. So when I lost the baby needless to say we have not spoken since.
My other sister is a great person. Terrible selfish and doesn't think before she talks but is sweet. She has been to the hospital with me numerous times. But after the second baby it became obvious just how much of a toll this whole thing was taking on her. Which I can understand. But it makes the weirdest things come out of her mouth. Today she pretty much told me that my negative thinking was going to doom this pregnancy. Which also insinuated that might have been an issue with the previous ones. Needless to say we do not agree and I am beyond annoyed. Believe me. I don't need people coming up with new ways that all of this could be my fault. I already walk a fine line here and do not need assistance whether from her or hormones as to the guilt I feel in this whole situation. So much for sisterly assistance.
I also have another issue directed at casual acquaintances. Why do you think telling me about your great grandma losing a baby is some how relevant to my situation. That's like me knowing what having twins is like because Angelina Jolie has twins. Your random relative going though something you think is similar does not help me to relate to you, especially when you have never met them. Your mom losing babies before you were born does not make me feel like me and you are in the same boat. Don't come to me with stories of your friends aunt. If you want to talk about what happened to me we can talk about it. But don't act like you know what I have been through unless you have been through it. I understand if it was your sister or your best friend then maybe we can relate a bit better. But your great aunt twice removed having a heavy period does not make you and me on the same page. We are not even reading the same book.
Also, if you have had bleeding while pregnant... then still delivered a healthy baby. You did not lose the babies twin. I have lost clots the size of my fist and knew it was not another baby. Especially at 13 weeks. Now twins can vanish. But if you never heard another heart beat, never saw it on an ultrasound, and had one day where you lost a little clot the size of a quarter, when you have a serious history of precancer in your cervix. I almost guarantee one million percent that clot did not carry a baby the size of a lime.
Wow.. glad I got that out. Sorry if this offends anyone.
Friday, May 13, 2011
Pregnancies Side by Side
Do you see the crazy part???? I lost both babies on the exact same day according to my LMP. When I first saw that I couldn't believe it.
On A Better Note
My bleeding has stopped entirely. This is huge for me as the worst is usually about now. I have no cramping and also over feel that this pregnancy is going a much different direction than my previous two. We are on day two of no bleeding.
I have been on lovenox once a day, (Still bled) progesterone twice a day (Still bled)
Then against my doctors annoying wishes. Modified bed rest, and pelvic rest and.... the bleeding has stopped. I cannot express how much relief this gives me. I have an ultrasound on Monday and an appointment. For the first time this pregnancy I am very much enjoying it and cannot wait to see that little baby on the screen. I love it so much already.
On a side note. It has been years since I sewed anything. But ( was thinking about making little baby outfits for babies as small as mine were. Ones that I can send to the hospital maybe that tie in the back to accommodate size differences. I just look back at my pictures and wish the clothes had been more of an outfit and less of a sock you put them in. I mean they might never use them, but if it made one woman's experience a shred better, it would be worth it to me. I am going to look into it.
I have been on lovenox once a day, (Still bled) progesterone twice a day (Still bled)
Then against my doctors annoying wishes. Modified bed rest, and pelvic rest and.... the bleeding has stopped. I cannot express how much relief this gives me. I have an ultrasound on Monday and an appointment. For the first time this pregnancy I am very much enjoying it and cannot wait to see that little baby on the screen. I love it so much already.
On a side note. It has been years since I sewed anything. But ( was thinking about making little baby outfits for babies as small as mine were. Ones that I can send to the hospital maybe that tie in the back to accommodate size differences. I just look back at my pictures and wish the clothes had been more of an outfit and less of a sock you put them in. I mean they might never use them, but if it made one woman's experience a shred better, it would be worth it to me. I am going to look into it.
I have realized
That maybe I am better off just talking to myself. I get too involved in websites, then I feel too betrayed when things are handled badly. It might be the pregnancy. Hell it might be the extra (hold on...*Runs to check bottle) 400mgs of progesterone I am ingesting daily. But man do I get worked up easy.
I don't feel personally attacked, but I do hate watching other people be treated unfairly. Why can't anyone just run a website that treats users equally. That weeds out the blatant liars, and redirects bad mojo. Instead of secretly going around and deleting, modifying and down right offending just a few people, whom they are obviously picking on. Who were very valid in their concern and response.
::Sigh::
Then of course I come back to the. "Why don't I just make my own site." This has worked in the past. But the realization that I am just one of a few who hate thins kind of (Yes Ren I will quote you now, because your word is the best.) Wank. That few people join me in my utopia. Then I go to work, lose babies, or have some massive life changing relocation that demands my attention and then I lose touch with these websites that I pay for, manage and overall feel like a pet I am neglecting. I don't have the attention span to mod and admin a site regularly. Nor do I have a partner in crime who will pick up my slack. So in the end. I just need to stop joining websites.
This desperate search for another woman who knows what I have been through, or someone to relate has led me to wonderful people but also people who bug me so much I sit up at night wondering how they can lie about something like that. The I get yelled at for moving around too much in my sleep and waking the bear.
You know whats always my undoing? Not just this recent site. But all of them (Only two events but I am hormonal and dramatic.) The lieing about pregnancy, and miscarriage.
Just to let all of you know IT IS NEVER, UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCE, ok for someone to lie about losing a baby. Period. It is so a terrible, soul crushing, life destroying thing. That lying about it makes even the devil hate you. I will, if we ever meet, you both know who the worst of you are, punch you in the mother effing face... Twice.
Why? Because you have taken something so terrible for me, lied, received sympathy and support from women like me and been full of shit. You have taken a life altering event that sits with me everyday, and made it into a cheap game you play online for kicks. I hate you. Sorry. I just do. I'm so mad at the people who don't feel this offense is serious or understand just how much it irks me.
That's when I realize, no one really gets me. (Que hormone induced teenage angst.) You all sit here by me. Thinking that you understand. But you don't.
Maybe I am crazy, maybe its the pickle I just ate. I don't know. But i feel better now. So much so, that I don't care that the I above is not capitalized.
I don't feel personally attacked, but I do hate watching other people be treated unfairly. Why can't anyone just run a website that treats users equally. That weeds out the blatant liars, and redirects bad mojo. Instead of secretly going around and deleting, modifying and down right offending just a few people, whom they are obviously picking on. Who were very valid in their concern and response.
::Sigh::
Then of course I come back to the. "Why don't I just make my own site." This has worked in the past. But the realization that I am just one of a few who hate thins kind of (Yes Ren I will quote you now, because your word is the best.) Wank. That few people join me in my utopia. Then I go to work, lose babies, or have some massive life changing relocation that demands my attention and then I lose touch with these websites that I pay for, manage and overall feel like a pet I am neglecting. I don't have the attention span to mod and admin a site regularly. Nor do I have a partner in crime who will pick up my slack. So in the end. I just need to stop joining websites.
This desperate search for another woman who knows what I have been through, or someone to relate has led me to wonderful people but also people who bug me so much I sit up at night wondering how they can lie about something like that. The I get yelled at for moving around too much in my sleep and waking the bear.
You know whats always my undoing? Not just this recent site. But all of them (Only two events but I am hormonal and dramatic.) The lieing about pregnancy, and miscarriage.
Just to let all of you know IT IS NEVER, UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCE, ok for someone to lie about losing a baby. Period. It is so a terrible, soul crushing, life destroying thing. That lying about it makes even the devil hate you. I will, if we ever meet, you both know who the worst of you are, punch you in the mother effing face... Twice.
Why? Because you have taken something so terrible for me, lied, received sympathy and support from women like me and been full of shit. You have taken a life altering event that sits with me everyday, and made it into a cheap game you play online for kicks. I hate you. Sorry. I just do. I'm so mad at the people who don't feel this offense is serious or understand just how much it irks me.
That's when I realize, no one really gets me. (Que hormone induced teenage angst.) You all sit here by me. Thinking that you understand. But you don't.
Maybe I am crazy, maybe its the pickle I just ate. I don't know. But i feel better now. So much so, that I don't care that the I above is not capitalized.
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