I am 37 weeks. I spent 80 days in the hospital so far and will be induced on December 5th if he decides to not come earlier.
This has been super rough for me but also amazing. I can't beleive the medical comunity and how they treat women like me. If I had not lost the other two babies there would be no way I could endure the crap they put me through at the hospital. I feel so bad for women who have no idea and learn the hard way that the doctors and nurses are not always right.
I had a few bad days recently. Its hard to imagine that for me it is more normal to call a mortuary after birth than a pediatrician. Its a lot of "What if he's not ok." and things like that. I just have 11 more days at the most. I cannot wait to meet this little guy.
Saturday, November 26, 2011
I Hate People!
First off, general advice. Stop it. I don't need more exercise ( I have only gained 12 lbs). I don't need to wait until I'm 41 weeks to be induced. Leave me alone. Don't tell me to enjoy my pregnancy. Believe me I am enjoying it as much as I can, but it is still the scariest time for me. I understand that I will worry once he is born. I understand he could die of lots of things later. But I have had children die in pregnancy. So pregnancy is the scary part for me right now. If he dies after that then I will be scared of that too, and thank you for letting me know all of the ways and chances there are of that happenening. Also statisctics are not my friend. I am one in 6000 with all of the issues I have... So 1 in 50 are not good ods for me and you are not making me feel better.
Also shut up with the weird comments. I will not only never speak to you again I will also never speak to your husband, sister, mother, and so on.
If I post a photo of a balloon that makes me think of my son that I lost over a year ago telling me.
"Wow it doesn't seem like that long ago. But i bet it feels like forever to you!"
Actually it doesn't it feels like yesterday. But thank you for your excitement? The situtation did not only not need your weird inappropriate comment but the exclamation point showing how excited you were to write it offends me. I don't care if others don't think its offensive. I think it is. Notice how no one commented after you? How no one liked your post but loved everyone elses?
Also telling me "I am happy that you are finally going to have a baby." is weird. I did not try for 5 years to finally fall pregnant. Especially when it is in the context of you telling me we are no longer friends and you will not be speaking to me anymore. Because I don't pay enough attention to you. I have been in bed for 8 months. 3 of them in the hospital. I have not driven a car in that entire time. What kind of attention were you expecting exactly.
Also telling me that I will neglect my baby because I spend my time online or watching movies is weird. I am ON BED REST! I have made 5 baby blankets, I have ordered everything the baby will need. Including enough diapers to last through his entire diapering life. I EVEN EFFING PAY YOUR BILLS FOR YOU SO THEY WONT BE LATE!!! WHICH YOU STILL OWE ME $300 FOR! Then when I argue , saying"I'm just letting you know what will happen." makes no sense either. Why the heck would I neglect him? I have been waiting and waiting for him. Worring about him non stop. I have a doppler so I can check on him! I HAVE TAKEN OVER 250 shots for him! Why would I ignore him once he is out. Also replying to me because I have a bouncer and a breat pump that i will never hold him... IS NOT A SANE ANSWER EITHER. I have to be able to put him somewhere. The breast pump (though I am glad I have it) was a gift!!!
I am so done with people. Just leave me alone I'll let you know when hes one. Assuming he even survives that long from all of the neglect and danger I will obviously be putting him in.
Also shut up with the weird comments. I will not only never speak to you again I will also never speak to your husband, sister, mother, and so on.
If I post a photo of a balloon that makes me think of my son that I lost over a year ago telling me.
"Wow it doesn't seem like that long ago. But i bet it feels like forever to you!"
Actually it doesn't it feels like yesterday. But thank you for your excitement? The situtation did not only not need your weird inappropriate comment but the exclamation point showing how excited you were to write it offends me. I don't care if others don't think its offensive. I think it is. Notice how no one commented after you? How no one liked your post but loved everyone elses?
Also telling me "I am happy that you are finally going to have a baby." is weird. I did not try for 5 years to finally fall pregnant. Especially when it is in the context of you telling me we are no longer friends and you will not be speaking to me anymore. Because I don't pay enough attention to you. I have been in bed for 8 months. 3 of them in the hospital. I have not driven a car in that entire time. What kind of attention were you expecting exactly.
Also telling me that I will neglect my baby because I spend my time online or watching movies is weird. I am ON BED REST! I have made 5 baby blankets, I have ordered everything the baby will need. Including enough diapers to last through his entire diapering life. I EVEN EFFING PAY YOUR BILLS FOR YOU SO THEY WONT BE LATE!!! WHICH YOU STILL OWE ME $300 FOR! Then when I argue , saying"I'm just letting you know what will happen." makes no sense either. Why the heck would I neglect him? I have been waiting and waiting for him. Worring about him non stop. I have a doppler so I can check on him! I HAVE TAKEN OVER 250 shots for him! Why would I ignore him once he is out. Also replying to me because I have a bouncer and a breat pump that i will never hold him... IS NOT A SANE ANSWER EITHER. I have to be able to put him somewhere. The breast pump (though I am glad I have it) was a gift!!!
I am so done with people. Just leave me alone I'll let you know when hes one. Assuming he even survives that long from all of the neglect and danger I will obviously be putting him in.
Saturday, October 8, 2011
30 Weeks!
we are doing it baby!!!
second stint in the hospital almost no cervix left. but every day countsnn
second stint in the hospital almost no cervix left. but every day countsnn
things bedrest has taught me..
that if you straighten your hair it wont get so matted..I looked like a stray cat for weeks before I figured that out
that of all the things you miss shaving will be the most irritating one
that you will sweat in places you never sweat before
that nurses doctors and strangers will all have opinions about your situation that are rude, incorrect, and wrong.
that family and Friends will fall off the face of the earth.
that people will call you out of guilt but lie about plans and disease to get out of helping and seeing you.
that without support it can be the loneliest time of your life. throw in some hormones and your a mess.
that not being able to get things ready for your baby will be so hard .
that people will think you are faking even if you are in the hospital
that hospital food will not be that bad at first but then turn into something you have nightmares about.
that you miss sex even if you had no drive prior.
that having a baby shower will be hard upsetting and disappointing.
that doctors will ask you questions then ignore your answer unless you are dieing.
that every pain will be noticeable and concerning.
you will find yourself online shopping for weird weird things.
food cravings are more intense when you can't get anything yourself.
that if at home you might pee in some weird container because you are in pain and afraid to get up.
that baby kicks are so wonderful and remind you why you are doing it.
that of all the things you miss shaving will be the most irritating one
that you will sweat in places you never sweat before
that nurses doctors and strangers will all have opinions about your situation that are rude, incorrect, and wrong.
that family and Friends will fall off the face of the earth.
that people will call you out of guilt but lie about plans and disease to get out of helping and seeing you.
that without support it can be the loneliest time of your life. throw in some hormones and your a mess.
that not being able to get things ready for your baby will be so hard .
that people will think you are faking even if you are in the hospital
that hospital food will not be that bad at first but then turn into something you have nightmares about.
that you miss sex even if you had no drive prior.
that having a baby shower will be hard upsetting and disappointing.
that doctors will ask you questions then ignore your answer unless you are dieing.
that every pain will be noticeable and concerning.
you will find yourself online shopping for weird weird things.
food cravings are more intense when you can't get anything yourself.
that if at home you might pee in some weird container because you are in pain and afraid to get up.
that baby kicks are so wonderful and remind you why you are doing it.
Tuesday, September 20, 2011
I have been MIA
Why? Well its a long story. Then again maybe not really. About 6 weeks ago I went to my appointment to find out that my cervix had dropped down from 4cm to 2 cm. My doctor admited me imediatly and i spent the next 4 weeks in the hospital with no change, so they sent me home. After two weeks at home I went to another appointment and my cervix dropped to 1cm. Needless to say I am back in the hospital for the duration of this pregnancy. Obviously being at home does not help my situation for whatever reason. We can sit and speculate but just like all of the doctots no one knows why.
Wednesday, July 20, 2011
That being said.
Though I have felt such great milestones in this pregnancy and feel better about going forward I cannot help but feel really depressed these last few days. Logan's birthday is coming up and I am in bed. All day I think about it right now. I'm glad for the time I have alone (Which seems to be a lot latley) but also sad to be alone when I am so upset. I feel like a burden having to be on bedrest and then so much more of a burden expecting comfort for something that would not have happened if not for me. How do I get this guilt to calm down? I have all day in bed to bounce back and forth between fear for this pregnancy, grief about the children I have lost, guilt about everything that has happened and is happening, happiness to be pregnant now, and feelings of inadequecy and uselessness. Throw in the hormones and my god. How do I survive this? If this little boy makes it will I even be able to take care of him? Will all of this reflection destroy me? When people do visit me or come by to help I feel relieved to have a distraction but then some days they say they will come but don't. My DH says he will be home but doesn't show for hours. Am I unbearable to be around? I can't be mad. I don't blame them I am hard for me to be around I cannot imagine what it is like for them. I feel like I made a mistake getting pregnant with this baby. That my intentions were purley selfish and to put my family and this baby through this is beyond terrible of me.
I am!
The most pregnant I have ever been. Its so scary and exciting. The baby is doing good and we are almost 19 weeks.
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